Although I am not feeling particularly festive this year, I do have a story about my favorite Christmas movie for you.
Every year when we were on Christmas Break my Mom would take us to 'The Video Store' (I don't even remember it's real name anymore). For older movies they had this deal called 5 movies, 5 days, $5. And we were allowed to go and collectively pick 5 movies that we could watch while we were on break. We did this for years. EVERY year I wanted to get Prancer, it's my favorite Christmas movie. I have NO idea where I got this obsession with this movie, but I love it!
I don't think I'd seen it in a couple years, except for when it came on TV, after I went away to college, but my Mom a few years ago found it on DVD, so I now own the movie. It'll forever be my favorite! I'm actually really looking forward to watching it this year. It's one of the only things I really want to do on Christmas.
Well that's my Christmas Story for you all...G'night my <3's and Merry Christmas!
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Home for the Holidays - or Not
Despite the fact that I moved 2,000 miles away from all my family and friends to go to college about 8 years ago, there are still very few moments over the course of those 8 years that I can say I was legitimately homesick. It's not that I don't miss my family and friends, I do. But I cherish the life I have made for myself out here, and cherish the moments I get to spend back in Illinois with them, when I have the chance, even more.
The first time I remember being homesick was my Aunt's memorial. Every single one of my Aunts, Uncles and Cousins were there except me. I felt bad that I was the only one missing, but it's what I have learned to live with. Sometimes you miss out on important moments, but you do the best you can. And the people that love you will understand.
This will be my first Christmas away from home, and while I can honestly say I will NOT miss having a White Christmas, I could care less about snow and cold weather. I will, however, miss my family! Every family comes with drama, and mine is no different, especially around the holidays. But I want them to know that I already miss them very much and wish I was there to celebrate with them. Growing up isn't all it's cracked up to be...and neither is this homesick feeling.
<3
The first time I remember being homesick was my Aunt's memorial. Every single one of my Aunts, Uncles and Cousins were there except me. I felt bad that I was the only one missing, but it's what I have learned to live with. Sometimes you miss out on important moments, but you do the best you can. And the people that love you will understand.
This will be my first Christmas away from home, and while I can honestly say I will NOT miss having a White Christmas, I could care less about snow and cold weather. I will, however, miss my family! Every family comes with drama, and mine is no different, especially around the holidays. But I want them to know that I already miss them very much and wish I was there to celebrate with them. Growing up isn't all it's cracked up to be...and neither is this homesick feeling.
Anyway...
Merry early Christmas to all my friends and family in Illinois, Ohio, and wherever else you are. I love you all VERY much!!
<3
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Letting Go
Any time a relationship ends there is usually more emotional damage than physical damage. Or at least one would hope. The emotional damage is hard to deal with, sometimes you don't even realize that you have any until something triggers it.
It doesn't matter what your role was in the relationship: girlfriend, husband, child, no one is immune. I think in one way or another everyone out there has emotional damage. Gone are the days where we live happily ever after. There are no real fairy tales these days. People break-up, parents get divorced, tragedy strikes. And emotional damage becomes apart of us, something we can't really explain, something we hide.
I like to think that I do a good job of hiding my emotional damage. It's not something I enjoy talking about, so I keep it to myself a lot. But by doing so I push some people away. I don't let them get close to me because I fear they won't like what's underneath. So I make people work for it, I make people put effort into finding out who I really am and what makes me, me. Right or wrong I'm not sure, I'm sure you could argue both cases. But that's what I do.
My sister has some emotional damage as well, probably a little more than me. She's a little more famous for wearing her heart on her sleeve, although she might beg to differ. However, it's difficult for both of us to let people in. Tonight in a conversation about this subject she said to me, "Yeah, well I guess we'll have to let go." And as simple as it sounds, she is right. We will. We all will, every single one of us that walks around with emotional damage hidden somewhere, will have to learn to let go. Because...Wayne Gretzky's quote fits well here: "You'll always miss 100% of the shots you don't take."
Also...
Enjoy <3
It doesn't matter what your role was in the relationship: girlfriend, husband, child, no one is immune. I think in one way or another everyone out there has emotional damage. Gone are the days where we live happily ever after. There are no real fairy tales these days. People break-up, parents get divorced, tragedy strikes. And emotional damage becomes apart of us, something we can't really explain, something we hide.
I like to think that I do a good job of hiding my emotional damage. It's not something I enjoy talking about, so I keep it to myself a lot. But by doing so I push some people away. I don't let them get close to me because I fear they won't like what's underneath. So I make people work for it, I make people put effort into finding out who I really am and what makes me, me. Right or wrong I'm not sure, I'm sure you could argue both cases. But that's what I do.
My sister has some emotional damage as well, probably a little more than me. She's a little more famous for wearing her heart on her sleeve, although she might beg to differ. However, it's difficult for both of us to let people in. Tonight in a conversation about this subject she said to me, "Yeah, well I guess we'll have to let go." And as simple as it sounds, she is right. We will. We all will, every single one of us that walks around with emotional damage hidden somewhere, will have to learn to let go. Because...Wayne Gretzky's quote fits well here: "You'll always miss 100% of the shots you don't take."
Also...
Enjoy <3
Monday, November 28, 2011
Me
I may have a blog, facebook, foursquare, and twitter that seem to broadcast my personal life and where-a-bouts, but despite what you might think, I keep a lot of things to myself. It's hard for me to let people in, to let people know how I really feel, to trust people. I'm always amazed when random people can read me, and there are a few out there that can, and that care to.
I have a couple who are regulars at work, and they want me to serve them every time. I saw them the other night after a few weeks and they were wondering where I had been. They had been in a few times and hadn't seen me, so they were pleasantly surprised when I walked in to work, just as they were being seated. It always makes me feel special when they walk in the door and want no one but me. Anyway, she looked at me the other night and said "you seem bored" and she's right. I was amazed that she seemed to just know, but that mother's intuition will get you every time.
I'm kind of tired of feeling like my life is going no where. I have pretty much decided that I don't want a career that is going to interfere with my ability to be a mother, when I get to that point, I'm not a 9-5 job kind of person. I don't see myself doing one thing for the rest of my life, except being a mother. I've always wanted to be a mom, ever since I can remember. I don't want to get ahead of myself, but I'm tired of coming home to a house I really don't enjoy being in to hang out by myself. I'm tired of hiding in my room, because I don't want to watch whatever god awful show is playing in the living room. I'm tired of finding guys that are interested in me while I'm not so sure about my feelings for them.
I'm picky when it comes to guys and relationships. But I'm tired of making excuses to people for why I don't want to date them, I'm tired of play "coy" about the whole thing. I hate hurting peoples feelings, but when I know I like someone I just know. And I don't know that I feel that way, about a lot of people. I want to find someone who is right for me. Who likes me as much as I like them. Someone who wants a future, who cares about my story, where I've been and where I'm going. I'm tired of being by myself all the time, having nothing to look forward to.
I'm sure I'm just having a bad day, and my mood will be better tomorrow. But at least you got some insight about me in the meantime. Thanks for listening/reading.
G'night world!
<3 E
I have a couple who are regulars at work, and they want me to serve them every time. I saw them the other night after a few weeks and they were wondering where I had been. They had been in a few times and hadn't seen me, so they were pleasantly surprised when I walked in to work, just as they were being seated. It always makes me feel special when they walk in the door and want no one but me. Anyway, she looked at me the other night and said "you seem bored" and she's right. I was amazed that she seemed to just know, but that mother's intuition will get you every time.
I'm kind of tired of feeling like my life is going no where. I have pretty much decided that I don't want a career that is going to interfere with my ability to be a mother, when I get to that point, I'm not a 9-5 job kind of person. I don't see myself doing one thing for the rest of my life, except being a mother. I've always wanted to be a mom, ever since I can remember. I don't want to get ahead of myself, but I'm tired of coming home to a house I really don't enjoy being in to hang out by myself. I'm tired of hiding in my room, because I don't want to watch whatever god awful show is playing in the living room. I'm tired of finding guys that are interested in me while I'm not so sure about my feelings for them.
I'm picky when it comes to guys and relationships. But I'm tired of making excuses to people for why I don't want to date them, I'm tired of play "coy" about the whole thing. I hate hurting peoples feelings, but when I know I like someone I just know. And I don't know that I feel that way, about a lot of people. I want to find someone who is right for me. Who likes me as much as I like them. Someone who wants a future, who cares about my story, where I've been and where I'm going. I'm tired of being by myself all the time, having nothing to look forward to.
I'm sure I'm just having a bad day, and my mood will be better tomorrow. But at least you got some insight about me in the meantime. Thanks for listening/reading.
G'night world!
<3 E
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Decisions
Our lives are filled with decisions that need to be made. Some small, what am I going to eat today? Some larger, what do I want to be when I grow up? Is this the person I am meant to spend the rest of my life with?
It seems as though the older we get the more difficult the decisions become, the more complicated it all is. There isn't always a clear choice, a perfect right or wrong, black or white. So what do we do? Do we stay in a marriage we are unhappy in because of our children, do we leave a job we like to try and find something with better money, do we hold out hope that the guy we love will give up his life for us? To be honest, I don't know what the right answer is. I'm not sure any one does.
At some point in our lives we are going to hurt people we care about because of a decision that we make. Unfortunately, it is impossible in life to please everyone and yourself with every decision. I am very much about giving to others, caring for others, and respecting others. But sometimes in life the harder decisions cannot be made with other people in mind. At the end of the day you cannot live your life for other people, you have to live it for yourself. I have struggled a lot with this concept, I still do, but I cannot always make other people happy. I deserve to be happy too. And I'm the one in charge of making myself happy, I cannot expect others to do it for me.
I know I'm not over the hardest decisions in my life, there are more to come. Some of the closest people to me are going through hard times right now trying to decide what to do. And I'm sure there are millions more out there trying to make a complicated decision. Just know that it's not fair to you or anyone involved to live unhappily. Everyone deserves to be happy, no matter what makes you happy. And there is always someone that will be there to stand behind you in your toughest decisions.
It seems as though the older we get the more difficult the decisions become, the more complicated it all is. There isn't always a clear choice, a perfect right or wrong, black or white. So what do we do? Do we stay in a marriage we are unhappy in because of our children, do we leave a job we like to try and find something with better money, do we hold out hope that the guy we love will give up his life for us? To be honest, I don't know what the right answer is. I'm not sure any one does.
At some point in our lives we are going to hurt people we care about because of a decision that we make. Unfortunately, it is impossible in life to please everyone and yourself with every decision. I am very much about giving to others, caring for others, and respecting others. But sometimes in life the harder decisions cannot be made with other people in mind. At the end of the day you cannot live your life for other people, you have to live it for yourself. I have struggled a lot with this concept, I still do, but I cannot always make other people happy. I deserve to be happy too. And I'm the one in charge of making myself happy, I cannot expect others to do it for me.
I know I'm not over the hardest decisions in my life, there are more to come. Some of the closest people to me are going through hard times right now trying to decide what to do. And I'm sure there are millions more out there trying to make a complicated decision. Just know that it's not fair to you or anyone involved to live unhappily. Everyone deserves to be happy, no matter what makes you happy. And there is always someone that will be there to stand behind you in your toughest decisions.
"Happiness depends on ourselves" -Aristotle.
"Nothing is more difficult, and therefore more precious, than to decide." -Napoleon Bonaparte.
"People are like stained glass windows, they sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when darkness sets in, their true beauty is only seen if there is a light within." -Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
I love quotes and thought that was a perfect way to end this post. Enjoy <3's!
Friday, October 21, 2011
Why you Will or Won't want to Date Me
The following is an anonymous comment I received on my I Don't Let Myself blog from earlier today. I liked it so much I thought I'd give it its own blog. It's mostly true, not all...but mostly. I always find it interesting to see how true astrological type personality classifications can be. Maybe we should give these things to people we meet...it'd save us a lot of wasted time dating. Enjoy...
What it's like to date a Gemini Woman:
The Gemini woman is truly enchanting. However, dating her might feel more like a friendship then a real relationship due to her casual nature. This is not necessarily a disadvantage, for the casual man who shy's away from overly romantic emotions, she is the perfect woman. Since she is the astrology sign of the duality, she offers quite the challenge. On one hand, she needs to be nurtured, loved and catered to and on the other hand, she needs stimulation and novelty. She is very demanding and if you do not provide what she wants, she will be off onto the next adventure pretty quickly. To keep her interested is a challenge, not completely impossible so she is the perfect woman for the man who likes stimulation and a challenge. She needs a partner with a quick mind, she tends to poke and prod at the emotions and the minds of those who are mentally slower then her, make sure you can keep up with her wit or you will briskly be left behind. She is prone to keeping men on a string, not completely heartlessly, she is evaluating if the man is worth her attention and her time. She has no time to waste with a dull man. Once you have her approval, she can easily become jealous. The reason for her is jealousy is that if she is going to open up to a man, when she rarely completely opens up to anyone, she does not want to risk being deceived or hurt. If you are with a Gemini woman and she becomes jealous, you are on the right track to true love! Gemini women are so exciting that they are worth the effort, you will remember her forever!
How to Attract Gemini:
Love to talk, that is the first rule about impressing a Gemini. Be knowledgeable about what you talk about too because Gemini are intelligent and have lots of knowledge about many things. If you are an expert on a certain topic, teach them about it, you will impress them because this know-it-all sign does not usually know fine details about a lot of things, they are too busy to bother to learn. Speak your mind, engage them in a friendly debate but never be too conservative, they find this dull. Be honest and loyal to a Gemini, once they have had their trust broken they usually will never get it back again. Gemini are easy to date, they will do any activity anywhere. Just have fun, like you would with a friend because that's what Gemini are, a great friend.
Gemini and Independence:
Gemini are extremely independent. They will not be pinned down by anyone or any rules. They need to experience the world on their own. Change and freedom are extremely important to Gemini, they will never let anyone dictate them, they are extremely independent and freedom is essential to their mental well being.
Gemini and Friendship:
Gemini make very interesting and exciting friends. They like to leave their mark on everyone they meet. They are very flighty and will disappear for a long time as they meet new friends and explore new places. But when they come back, they will have new thoughts, opinions and interesting things to share and ideas to teach. Life is very interesting and fun with a Gemini friend. If you need any advice, Gemini is the one to ask. They are masters of communication and they can help you get what you need by helping you with persuasion and enthusiasm, and they give good advice too. Do not however, bog a Gemini down with all of your emotional problems, they are not one to deal with it because it depresses them and steps on their freedom if you need too much long term help, support and follow up. A Gemini friend can fill you in with the latest gossip and if you love conversation, the Gemini delivers! They are very generous with their friends, they will spend lots of time with you and share everything with you. Even though Gemini is a social butterfly, they always need time for themselves and that should be respected.
What it's like to date a Gemini Woman:
The Gemini woman is truly enchanting. However, dating her might feel more like a friendship then a real relationship due to her casual nature. This is not necessarily a disadvantage, for the casual man who shy's away from overly romantic emotions, she is the perfect woman. Since she is the astrology sign of the duality, she offers quite the challenge. On one hand, she needs to be nurtured, loved and catered to and on the other hand, she needs stimulation and novelty. She is very demanding and if you do not provide what she wants, she will be off onto the next adventure pretty quickly. To keep her interested is a challenge, not completely impossible so she is the perfect woman for the man who likes stimulation and a challenge. She needs a partner with a quick mind, she tends to poke and prod at the emotions and the minds of those who are mentally slower then her, make sure you can keep up with her wit or you will briskly be left behind. She is prone to keeping men on a string, not completely heartlessly, she is evaluating if the man is worth her attention and her time. She has no time to waste with a dull man. Once you have her approval, she can easily become jealous. The reason for her is jealousy is that if she is going to open up to a man, when she rarely completely opens up to anyone, she does not want to risk being deceived or hurt. If you are with a Gemini woman and she becomes jealous, you are on the right track to true love! Gemini women are so exciting that they are worth the effort, you will remember her forever!
How to Attract Gemini:
Love to talk, that is the first rule about impressing a Gemini. Be knowledgeable about what you talk about too because Gemini are intelligent and have lots of knowledge about many things. If you are an expert on a certain topic, teach them about it, you will impress them because this know-it-all sign does not usually know fine details about a lot of things, they are too busy to bother to learn. Speak your mind, engage them in a friendly debate but never be too conservative, they find this dull. Be honest and loyal to a Gemini, once they have had their trust broken they usually will never get it back again. Gemini are easy to date, they will do any activity anywhere. Just have fun, like you would with a friend because that's what Gemini are, a great friend.
Gemini and Independence:
Gemini are extremely independent. They will not be pinned down by anyone or any rules. They need to experience the world on their own. Change and freedom are extremely important to Gemini, they will never let anyone dictate them, they are extremely independent and freedom is essential to their mental well being.
Gemini and Friendship:
Gemini make very interesting and exciting friends. They like to leave their mark on everyone they meet. They are very flighty and will disappear for a long time as they meet new friends and explore new places. But when they come back, they will have new thoughts, opinions and interesting things to share and ideas to teach. Life is very interesting and fun with a Gemini friend. If you need any advice, Gemini is the one to ask. They are masters of communication and they can help you get what you need by helping you with persuasion and enthusiasm, and they give good advice too. Do not however, bog a Gemini down with all of your emotional problems, they are not one to deal with it because it depresses them and steps on their freedom if you need too much long term help, support and follow up. A Gemini friend can fill you in with the latest gossip and if you love conversation, the Gemini delivers! They are very generous with their friends, they will spend lots of time with you and share everything with you. Even though Gemini is a social butterfly, they always need time for themselves and that should be respected.
I Don't Let Myself
I don't really let myself like many guys. I don't know why, but most of the time when I meet a guy I get to the "you annoy me" stage faster than the "I like you" stage. Which sometimes results in really bad timing when they get to the "I like you" stage and I've reached the "you annoy me" stage.
I hear all the time "why don't you have a boyfriend?" Most of the time my answer is "I get tired of them" or "I get annoyed with them". It sounds dumb, but it's true. I'm very good at being friends with guys because I'm not trying to date and marry them, so whatever tendencies or traits they have that I might find annoying in a boyfriend, don't bug me as a friend. I'm extremely picky and I'm even more guarded; it takes a lot for me to let you in. Most people tell me that they don't know what I'm thinking. Sometimes I wish they would because I think I get misunderstood in certain situations. But sometimes I think that "not knowing what I'm thinking" is my defense mechanism.
Somewhat on the contrary I'm a very caring person. I care deeply about a lot of people in my life. Caring that much sometimes gets me into trouble. I have a very Mom-like persona. I like to help, I like to care for people and therefore I worry about people. Disappointment is part of life. You can't change people, something I know but am continuously reminded. Sometimes the people you care most about in life, disappoint you, it's part of the ups and downs of every relationship no matter the nature of that relationship.
Life isn't perfect and neither are we. We all have moments of pure joy and absolute heartbreak. We all need to smile and laugh, fall down and cry.
I hope eventually we all let someone in who makes us wonder how we lived without them, even me.
<3
I hear all the time "why don't you have a boyfriend?" Most of the time my answer is "I get tired of them" or "I get annoyed with them". It sounds dumb, but it's true. I'm very good at being friends with guys because I'm not trying to date and marry them, so whatever tendencies or traits they have that I might find annoying in a boyfriend, don't bug me as a friend. I'm extremely picky and I'm even more guarded; it takes a lot for me to let you in. Most people tell me that they don't know what I'm thinking. Sometimes I wish they would because I think I get misunderstood in certain situations. But sometimes I think that "not knowing what I'm thinking" is my defense mechanism.
Somewhat on the contrary I'm a very caring person. I care deeply about a lot of people in my life. Caring that much sometimes gets me into trouble. I have a very Mom-like persona. I like to help, I like to care for people and therefore I worry about people. Disappointment is part of life. You can't change people, something I know but am continuously reminded. Sometimes the people you care most about in life, disappoint you, it's part of the ups and downs of every relationship no matter the nature of that relationship.
Life isn't perfect and neither are we. We all have moments of pure joy and absolute heartbreak. We all need to smile and laugh, fall down and cry.
I hope eventually we all let someone in who makes us wonder how we lived without them, even me.
<3
Sunday, October 16, 2011
When I Was Little
This was written by my sister the other day and she sent it to me to read. I asked her if I could post it on my blog for her and she gave me permission. So here you are... Enjoy!
When I was little I was repeatedly told my sister was gorgeous, my brother was a genius. My sister is gorgeous, my brother is a genius. Hmm... Well what was I? Well I was the ugly duckling. I was skinny, but had lots of pimples and disgusting frizzy curly hair. My mom, of course, would tell me I was pretty, but not the person I ever really cared what he thought, which was my father. He was never around when I was younger so I tried desperately to win his approval. I wanted to be pretty and I wanted to be smart. Even when I ran and competed I was never good enough. There was always something I could do to be better. I was never told "good job." I stopped trying because I realized that it was just never going to happen. It finally came to me that I was never going to hear what I wanted when I was in my prom dress my senior year. I felt gorgeous, for probably the first time in my life, and he didn't say a word. Now a days I have an eating disorder that will consume me for the rest of my life. It is not something I am very proud of, but it is something that just makes me who I am. I tried so hard for so long to hear someone tell me those words that now when people tell me, it goes in one ear and out the other. I don't believe it when people tell me, because if people didn't think it back then then why do they think it now? Today and for the rest of my life I will not think I ever had a father because he does not understand me nor has he ever been there for me. It is because of him that I think about myself the way I do. It is because of him that my mom, the greatest parent in the world will walk me down the aisle when I get married, and not him. And because of him I will choose to have a father-daughter dance with my father-in-law and not him. Congratulations Dad, I hope you got what you wanted.
When I was little I was repeatedly told my sister was gorgeous, my brother was a genius. My sister is gorgeous, my brother is a genius. Hmm... Well what was I? Well I was the ugly duckling. I was skinny, but had lots of pimples and disgusting frizzy curly hair. My mom, of course, would tell me I was pretty, but not the person I ever really cared what he thought, which was my father. He was never around when I was younger so I tried desperately to win his approval. I wanted to be pretty and I wanted to be smart. Even when I ran and competed I was never good enough. There was always something I could do to be better. I was never told "good job." I stopped trying because I realized that it was just never going to happen. It finally came to me that I was never going to hear what I wanted when I was in my prom dress my senior year. I felt gorgeous, for probably the first time in my life, and he didn't say a word. Now a days I have an eating disorder that will consume me for the rest of my life. It is not something I am very proud of, but it is something that just makes me who I am. I tried so hard for so long to hear someone tell me those words that now when people tell me, it goes in one ear and out the other. I don't believe it when people tell me, because if people didn't think it back then then why do they think it now? Today and for the rest of my life I will not think I ever had a father because he does not understand me nor has he ever been there for me. It is because of him that I think about myself the way I do. It is because of him that my mom, the greatest parent in the world will walk me down the aisle when I get married, and not him. And because of him I will choose to have a father-daughter dance with my father-in-law and not him. Congratulations Dad, I hope you got what you wanted.
My Sister and my Mom on My Sister's Senior Prom Night
<3 you all!
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Footprints
This is one of my favorite poems ever, but since I couldn't find a good image with the poem on it we'll have to do it separately.
"One night a man had a dream. He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord. Across the sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand. One belonging to him and the other belonging to the Lord.
When the last scene from his life flashed before him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times of his life.
This really bothered him and he questioned the Lord about it. Lord you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me.
The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you! During your times of trial and suffering when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."
I think that no matter what you believe, there is always someone watching over us. And that is why I have decided this will be my 5th tattoo, to remind me that when times are hard there is always someone there for me, to carry me even if I don't always notice.
G'night my <3's!
"One night a man had a dream. He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord. Across the sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand. One belonging to him and the other belonging to the Lord.
When the last scene from his life flashed before him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times of his life.This really bothered him and he questioned the Lord about it. Lord you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me.
The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you! During your times of trial and suffering when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."
I think that no matter what you believe, there is always someone watching over us. And that is why I have decided this will be my 5th tattoo, to remind me that when times are hard there is always someone there for me, to carry me even if I don't always notice.
G'night my <3's!
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
I Wanna be a Toys R Us Kid
I knew that sleeping in today was going to come back and bite me in the ass, I am of course not tired now and need to be up early. So we'll blog for a bit, since I'd been thinking about it anyway, and attempt to sleep after.
This has been a topic of conversation recently, in my world, figuring out what you want to do with the rest of your life. I need to figure that out, among other people. It seems as though more and more people are falling under this category. We'll say they're "Spinning". They're working or going to school, but still trying to find out what they're ultimately passionate about. More and more people are attending college now it seems, but once you get a degree what do you do with it?
I chose a degree I thought I would enjoy, but as I got to the end and finished I discovered all the jobs most people do with my degree were underwhelming to me. I started my Master's but stopped because I wasn't happy with that direction either. I, in all honesty, am not really sure I am "made" to do one specific job, I like doing all kinds of different things, it keeps me from getting antsy and bored. My brother on the other hand knows what he is made to do and he has stuck with it, and I have no doubt he will get exactly where he wants to go. I am enormously proud of where he is today, with plenty of future ahead of him to accomplish everything he dreams and more. But him and I are very different. He is on the straight and narrow and I...well...I'm probably not really on a path any more.
Whenever I think about this topic I am reminded of the Toys R Us commercial from when I was a kid. No one wants to grow up, they want to stay kids forever. And I sense that more and more people feel this way.
There is a lot of pressure as an adult. You need to finish school, get a job, buy a house, buy a car, get married, have a kid, etc.... Sometimes the idea of all of that sounds fun, but it adds up! And life doesn't happen at the same age or in the same order for everyone. Some people know what they want to do with their lives from an early age and others of us struggle. Some of us find the love of our lives earlier in life and some of us may never find them. Some of us will have kids, but it's not for everyone. Some of us will buy several houses over the course of our lives, and some prefer to rent. Some of us are planners and some of us like to fly by the seat of our pants.
I'm not entirely sure why there is so much pressure for all of these things, because ultimately our own happiness is what matters. And as long as you achieve happiness in your life who cares how long it took you, what age you accomplished it at, or what order it happened for you in?!
I believe that we should never be afraid to be who we are, because who we are is beautiful in one way or another. We are born different, and we should try to our best to remain that way. And no one thing is right for everyone. (I apologize if I stole those quotes without actually quoting them...I may have heard them before, or may have made them up, I'm not sure).
And with that I say...G'night my loves! <3
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Afraid to be You
After recent discussions I decided that this was a topic worth blogging about.
It seems as though people (I guess I'm saying particularly girls) are afraid to be themselves around 'potential love interests' we'll call them. And/or they do things such as diets for that person to which they give up on when they're no longer together. I don't get it. Why are we trying to hide who we really are from people? If they don't like you without make-up, in your pjs, and your hair not brushed then they aren't for you anyway. And if things go well they will see all that and more so why are you trying to hide it from the beginning? I realize things have steps, because by nature we are all self conscious at some point. But I don't understand pretending you always look perfect, because no one is dumb enough to believe that.
And if you want to go on a diet, eat healthy, go the the gym, etc. Then do it for you and because you want to and because it makes you feel better. Not because you don't want your boyfriend to see that you've gained a few pounds. Because if he loves you, he'll love you for being you.
Be proud of who you are, you are unique and beautiful in your own way. And you shouldn't be afraid to let people see who you really are.
Much love my dearests! <3
It seems as though people (I guess I'm saying particularly girls) are afraid to be themselves around 'potential love interests' we'll call them. And/or they do things such as diets for that person to which they give up on when they're no longer together. I don't get it. Why are we trying to hide who we really are from people? If they don't like you without make-up, in your pjs, and your hair not brushed then they aren't for you anyway. And if things go well they will see all that and more so why are you trying to hide it from the beginning? I realize things have steps, because by nature we are all self conscious at some point. But I don't understand pretending you always look perfect, because no one is dumb enough to believe that.
And if you want to go on a diet, eat healthy, go the the gym, etc. Then do it for you and because you want to and because it makes you feel better. Not because you don't want your boyfriend to see that you've gained a few pounds. Because if he loves you, he'll love you for being you.
Be proud of who you are, you are unique and beautiful in your own way. And you shouldn't be afraid to let people see who you really are.
Much love my dearests! <3
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Being A Girl
Being a girl sometimes gets us into trouble, our emotions tend get the best of us in certain situations. I, in general, am pretty good at keeping my emotions in check, but even those of us that are in control of our emotions have break downs every now and then. Sometimes the struggle for me comes when I don't know whether I should let my emotions show or whether I should keep them inside and just wait and see. I probably err on the side of caution a bit too much, and don't let many people see the emotional side of me, but we all have ways of protecting ourselves, and I guess that's mine.
I was asked today "how can you be ok with that?" And believe me there are plenty of situations that I'm not really "ok" with, but I have to think about what's best for the situation. Being a girl and freaking out, or realizing that there are things in life you can't control and they will work themselves out one way or another? I've learned over the years that you can't control how other people feel. You can't make someone like you, you can't make someone faithful, you can't even make someone trust you. Sometimes they either do or they don't, no matter the reason or how good it might be. You also can't assume that everyone is going to hurt you, at some point you have to trust people and just hope you're right.
Relationships are complicated, emotions are complicated, and there is not always a clear right or wrong in situations. There is no manual for life. We're going to get hurt, we're going to be disappointed, bad things are going to happen, but sometimes the best news, deepest love, or the greatest rewards come from the lowest points in our lives. And that's just how it is...
Well, that's it from me for now. Enjoy <3
I was asked today "how can you be ok with that?" And believe me there are plenty of situations that I'm not really "ok" with, but I have to think about what's best for the situation. Being a girl and freaking out, or realizing that there are things in life you can't control and they will work themselves out one way or another? I've learned over the years that you can't control how other people feel. You can't make someone like you, you can't make someone faithful, you can't even make someone trust you. Sometimes they either do or they don't, no matter the reason or how good it might be. You also can't assume that everyone is going to hurt you, at some point you have to trust people and just hope you're right.
Relationships are complicated, emotions are complicated, and there is not always a clear right or wrong in situations. There is no manual for life. We're going to get hurt, we're going to be disappointed, bad things are going to happen, but sometimes the best news, deepest love, or the greatest rewards come from the lowest points in our lives. And that's just how it is...
Well, that's it from me for now. Enjoy <3
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger
I've been wanting to blog recently, but have been lacking the time and energy to get my thoughts in order. So I thought I would post an older writing of mine. It was a note I posted on Facebook dating back to last year. But I like it and thought I'd share with the rest of you. Happy Reading...
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently…and it’s no secret that writing is my healing process. So, I think it’s about time that I let my heart and my head heal a little.
I’ve been going through a rough time recently…well…to be honest the last few years haven’t been that great. I like to think that I hide it pretty well, but there are people that notice. Some are the expected. I know most of us can’t hide much from our Mom’s, but there are a few that even surprise me every now and then. I guess my hard-to-readness doesn’t fool everyone. :) I would like to say, before I complain anymore, that there are highlights in my life. I have met some of the best people at my darkest, roughest times and I definitely owe those people, and everyone that stands by me through all the rough patches, my life. They don’t know how much they really mean to me. I would especially like to thank one person, who shall remain nameless, because recently he has been…indescribable to me. And I just hope that he is around for a very long time.
I like quotes. They’re like song lyrics in a way, which I also like. There are so many of them out there, but when you find the right one it always makes you feel better. My favorite is when you find the perfect song or quote for your exact mood at that moment, and you weren’t even trying…it’s like it just found you. There seem to be quotes or songs, though that always fit a person. I think a song that is eternally mine is Brown Eyed Girl by Van Morrison. My Dad loved that type of music so I grew up listening to it, and I am also the only one of my siblings to get brown eyes. I’ve had random friends tell me that that song reminds them of me. I think if that song reminds you of me, you get me. One of my favorite quotes, especially recently is… “I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.” — Marilyn Monroe. I like to think that I don’t have a lot of “bad times”…I’m not really one of those crazy emotional, moody girls…or I try very hard not to be, but I’m definitely a stubborn, pain in the ass. But I am also probably one of the nicest, most caring people you’ll ever meet (also in my opinion) but if you can’t handle both…well you probably won’t be around too long.
I like to help people. It makes me feel good to be able to fix things, help…just do something. Sometimes I wonder whether I do that too much and whether I need to spend more time fixing myself. I’m admittedly screwed up in ways, I think we all are. And to be honest, I don’t always like to think about the past, the good or the bad in some cases.
One of the biggest problems I have is that I really have no clue what I want to do with my life. I always get ideas, different ones all the time. They don’t always pan out very well though. And I hate school. It was painful enough just getting my Bachelor’s degree. I changed majors 3 times and in the end wasn’t really very happy with the one I finally got a degree in. Then I decided to go back to school for my Master’s and as many of you don’t know that just blew up in my face, but I recently wasn’t overly happy with that either. I don’t dislike learning new things, I just hate the structure of school…it’s just not my thing. I think I could be happy doing a lot of things and nothing all at the same time. I’m not sure I was “made” to do one specific thing, but what does that mean?! I have to have a job…a career…but what? I wish I knew…
Well…since its 3am, my computer is about to die, and I’m about out of things to say I will leave you all with one last quote, one my roommate recently told me is the epitome of me… “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”
Until next time…
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Flirting or Just Being Nice
I guess I have a lot going on in my head this month and feel the need to blog about it...but I know you all love it :)
So...this one comes from current events. I don't like to be cruel, so I won't name names.
So a friend of a friend comes in to work every so often and the last time he came in I went over and talked to him for a few minutes. He asked if I wanted to hang out sometime, and I said sure. We exchanged numbers...normal stuff right?!
Well...apparently I entered a world of texting by being nice and accepting his invitation to hang out some time. I haven't yet entirely figured out how to politely get out of exchanging numbers with someone who you know from mutual friends, but most of the time they're not creepy so I figure it's safe. Plus if you happen to run into them other places, it makes it less awkward and you can be friendly and whatever. That's what I thought I was doing... And if we happened to hang out at a bar some night it would be no harm, no foul. By the way...I don't understand why accepting an invitation to be hang out sometime (ps...that is very non-descriptive and can often mean never) and exchanging numbers means "Yes, I'm madly in love with you and can't wait for you to proclaim your love for me over text" But I'm getting slightly off topic...
Pretty much from the moment he had my number he decided it was acceptable to text me (almost every day) about non-sense. Asking what I was doing (which 90% of the time was working), telling me he always thought I was cute, telling me he wanted a neck massage, and other random stuff. I guess it would be flattering if I thought he was attractive...but I don't remember that question being part of the pre-rec for "hanging out sometime". Only today, after just over a week of this non-sense, did he finally ask me if I liked him. And I almost hate that question more than having to go through all this crap in the first place, because I don't like to be mean to people. I don't like making people feel bad, it's just not fun. But when you ask direct questions, you get direct answers so...I told him I did not like him as anything more than a friend. To which I have heard no reply...
So now I sit here thinking. I'm glad that headache is over... But when situations happen like this I always wonder...did I some how lead him to believe that I was interested? Was I flirting or just being nice? I'm pretty sure I was just being nice. I didn't text him...he texted me. I was almost always working...but if I really wanted to make time for him I probably could have...or could have at least tried to arrange something in the future. But I didn't.
I think this situation happens to everyone at least once, on either side. I just always feel bad hurting other people's feelings, but sometimes people really are just being nice...and that's all there is.
Until tomorrow my <3's
So...this one comes from current events. I don't like to be cruel, so I won't name names.
So a friend of a friend comes in to work every so often and the last time he came in I went over and talked to him for a few minutes. He asked if I wanted to hang out sometime, and I said sure. We exchanged numbers...normal stuff right?!
Well...apparently I entered a world of texting by being nice and accepting his invitation to hang out some time. I haven't yet entirely figured out how to politely get out of exchanging numbers with someone who you know from mutual friends, but most of the time they're not creepy so I figure it's safe. Plus if you happen to run into them other places, it makes it less awkward and you can be friendly and whatever. That's what I thought I was doing... And if we happened to hang out at a bar some night it would be no harm, no foul. By the way...I don't understand why accepting an invitation to be hang out sometime (ps...that is very non-descriptive and can often mean never) and exchanging numbers means "Yes, I'm madly in love with you and can't wait for you to proclaim your love for me over text" But I'm getting slightly off topic...
Pretty much from the moment he had my number he decided it was acceptable to text me (almost every day) about non-sense. Asking what I was doing (which 90% of the time was working), telling me he always thought I was cute, telling me he wanted a neck massage, and other random stuff. I guess it would be flattering if I thought he was attractive...but I don't remember that question being part of the pre-rec for "hanging out sometime". Only today, after just over a week of this non-sense, did he finally ask me if I liked him. And I almost hate that question more than having to go through all this crap in the first place, because I don't like to be mean to people. I don't like making people feel bad, it's just not fun. But when you ask direct questions, you get direct answers so...I told him I did not like him as anything more than a friend. To which I have heard no reply...
So now I sit here thinking. I'm glad that headache is over... But when situations happen like this I always wonder...did I some how lead him to believe that I was interested? Was I flirting or just being nice? I'm pretty sure I was just being nice. I didn't text him...he texted me. I was almost always working...but if I really wanted to make time for him I probably could have...or could have at least tried to arrange something in the future. But I didn't.
I think this situation happens to everyone at least once, on either side. I just always feel bad hurting other people's feelings, but sometimes people really are just being nice...and that's all there is.
Until tomorrow my <3's
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Days Like Today
Time for some blog therapy...
It's days like today that I just want to scream. And then I remember the quote that irritates me the most when I need it the most "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger". And I have to hope that tomorrow will be a better day.
I don't like whining to the General Public, so I'll attempt to avoid that here. But I also must let out a little of my frustration...which in a sense means "whining".
So...on days like today I feel like a bad friend. And there have been several times recently where I have also felt like a bad friend. I hate that in order to do something with someone we a) pretty much have to go somewhere that is at $10 cab ride or so away from my house or b) you have to pick me up and drop me off...no matter how far out of your way that might be. It's like conditional friendship and I hate it!
I miss driving, I miss being able to just pick up and go wherever I wanted, when I wanted. I like freedom! But more than anything I miss being able to hang out with my friends without limitations, help them out, pick them up, go meet them some where...just be able to spend time with them. I love my friends more than anything, and I miss a lot of them more than they probably know. But everyone has their own lives and I can't (and don't) expect them to be able to come pick me up, just so we can go do something. And because of that I don't get to see some of them as much as I want. And that's why I get frustrated. I wanted to go help a friend out today and due to circumstances beyond my control I couldn't and it makes me sad.
Well I guess that's all I've got for now. I think it's time for some Music Therapy.... Hope everyone had a nice weekend!
Later <3's
It's days like today that I just want to scream. And then I remember the quote that irritates me the most when I need it the most "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger". And I have to hope that tomorrow will be a better day.
I don't like whining to the General Public, so I'll attempt to avoid that here. But I also must let out a little of my frustration...which in a sense means "whining".
So...on days like today I feel like a bad friend. And there have been several times recently where I have also felt like a bad friend. I hate that in order to do something with someone we a) pretty much have to go somewhere that is at $10 cab ride or so away from my house or b) you have to pick me up and drop me off...no matter how far out of your way that might be. It's like conditional friendship and I hate it!
I miss driving, I miss being able to just pick up and go wherever I wanted, when I wanted. I like freedom! But more than anything I miss being able to hang out with my friends without limitations, help them out, pick them up, go meet them some where...just be able to spend time with them. I love my friends more than anything, and I miss a lot of them more than they probably know. But everyone has their own lives and I can't (and don't) expect them to be able to come pick me up, just so we can go do something. And because of that I don't get to see some of them as much as I want. And that's why I get frustrated. I wanted to go help a friend out today and due to circumstances beyond my control I couldn't and it makes me sad.
Well I guess that's all I've got for now. I think it's time for some Music Therapy.... Hope everyone had a nice weekend!
Later <3's
Thursday, August 18, 2011
My Rules
I have two rules/qualifications when it comes to someone I might be able to spend my future with. They're small, but I feel important.
1. I have to like kissing you, we have to "fit". When I say kissing, I do not mean making out, I mean the simple act of kissing. I think kissing is an under-rated form of affection, but it's an important one. Years from now when we're old and gray sex will become a less important act, but in my opinion kissing never gets old.
There are bad kissers out there, no one can be good at everything. But what makes most people bad, in my opinion, is that you're just not "fitting" with the person you think is a bad kisser. You're just not meant to be...
So that's Rule #1. I have to like kissing you, because I'm going to want to for the rest of my life.
2. I have to be able to sleep next to you in the same bed without you driving me insane. And again I mean the simple act of sleeping. This rule is insanely important to me, because as most people know I LOVE to sleep, so if you're going to be sleeping next to me for the rest of my life I better be getting good sleep.
I'm OCD, I like things a certain way. Especially my bed! I make it every day, the same way, I'm a neat sleeper, I like pillows and lots of blankets. I like to cuddle, but I like my space when I'm ready to sleep. I don't eat in my bed because it's where I sleep, and I like it to stay clean. I wear the same pj's to bed every night, and I change when I get up because they are only for sleeping. Some people aren't like that...and that's fine, but you're not for me. And just for the record, despite what certain people have said, they have failed in this category...miserably! When I say I'm picky...I mean it :)
I'm not really sure the point of this blog, just wanted to write it. Enjoy!
<3
1. I have to like kissing you, we have to "fit". When I say kissing, I do not mean making out, I mean the simple act of kissing. I think kissing is an under-rated form of affection, but it's an important one. Years from now when we're old and gray sex will become a less important act, but in my opinion kissing never gets old.
There are bad kissers out there, no one can be good at everything. But what makes most people bad, in my opinion, is that you're just not "fitting" with the person you think is a bad kisser. You're just not meant to be...
So that's Rule #1. I have to like kissing you, because I'm going to want to for the rest of my life.
2. I have to be able to sleep next to you in the same bed without you driving me insane. And again I mean the simple act of sleeping. This rule is insanely important to me, because as most people know I LOVE to sleep, so if you're going to be sleeping next to me for the rest of my life I better be getting good sleep.
I'm OCD, I like things a certain way. Especially my bed! I make it every day, the same way, I'm a neat sleeper, I like pillows and lots of blankets. I like to cuddle, but I like my space when I'm ready to sleep. I don't eat in my bed because it's where I sleep, and I like it to stay clean. I wear the same pj's to bed every night, and I change when I get up because they are only for sleeping. Some people aren't like that...and that's fine, but you're not for me. And just for the record, despite what certain people have said, they have failed in this category...miserably! When I say I'm picky...I mean it :)
I'm not really sure the point of this blog, just wanted to write it. Enjoy!
<3
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Our Generation
Our generation is all about sex, which seems to have made dating almost disappear. How do you decide you like someone these days? You have sex with them... And if you like it you'll probably do it again, and eventually you may decide that you like them enough to be in a relationship with them. If you can't find anyone new, you hook up with your ex's until you find someone new you might be interested in. That's how we do things these days.
I'm not saying I'm innocent and have never participated in such activities, some of you know stories to the contrary. But I've recently decided I'm over it. It might just be a temporary state of mind, could be permanent...only time will tell. But what I learned about myself from being with my ex was that I enjoyed sex a whole lot more when it was someone I was really interested in, someone who was interested in me, someone who made me feel special, comfortable.
There have been several movies out recently about the concept of "Friends with Benefits" which as we all know ends badly, because one person always develops more feelings for the other person than the other one develops. I've been on both ends of this, I've been the one with more feelings and I've been the one with less feelings. Either way, it's not fun.
I could say more on the subject, but I guess I will keep some things to myself. Please don't be offended by anything I've said, I place no judgement on anyone who is participating/wants to participate in such activities. I've just decided for the moment it's not for me. I'm choosing to wait for the one who makes me feel special again.
Enjoy what's left of the weekend my <3's!
Sunday, July 31, 2011
He's Not Perfect
A friend of mine posted this on Facebook earlier and I liked it, so I saved it and now I'm sharing it with you.
Enjoy my <3's
Enjoy my <3's
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Fairy Tales
I don't know what it is about movies that make my head run rampant with thoughts, but for some reason they do.
I went to see Friends with Benefits tonight with Brittany. SUCH a good movie, by the way, definitely worth seeing. It did make me miss having someone to make out with. I love making out...don't know why, but I always have. But...that's not the point of this little blog. The point of it is, Fairy Tales.
It's stupid and all kinds of cliche, but all girls want a Fairy Tale and Prince Charming. I think most of us realize that he won't come riding in on a white horse and sweep us off our feet, but we probably shouldn't crush the dreams of those delusional girls out there. Most girls just want the man of our dreams to do something extraordinary and win us over, make us believe that he's the only one for us and that we'll live happily ever after. Actually, I'm not even sure they have to do anything that extraordinary, just making us feel special and wanting to spend their life with us is mostly all we need, ok a few flowers and a ring wouldn't hurt...but we'll skip the details.
I try to hide it most of the time, but there's a romantic in me and I'm a firm believer in "when you know, you know." I think a lot of people try to pretend and hide their feelings, cause that kinda stuff can be scary, but I believe that there is someone out there for everyone, we weren't meant to be alone. Sometimes as a character in Friends with Benefits says "you have to update your fairy tale". A few of us probably need to work on that, but I think it's normal and healthy to have a Fairy Tale, even if it's some what unrealistic. We all deserve the best, so aim high.
Anyway...that's all I got. I hope you all get your Fairy Tales and live Happily Ever After...
I went to see Friends with Benefits tonight with Brittany. SUCH a good movie, by the way, definitely worth seeing. It did make me miss having someone to make out with. I love making out...don't know why, but I always have. But...that's not the point of this little blog. The point of it is, Fairy Tales.
It's stupid and all kinds of cliche, but all girls want a Fairy Tale and Prince Charming. I think most of us realize that he won't come riding in on a white horse and sweep us off our feet, but we probably shouldn't crush the dreams of those delusional girls out there. Most girls just want the man of our dreams to do something extraordinary and win us over, make us believe that he's the only one for us and that we'll live happily ever after. Actually, I'm not even sure they have to do anything that extraordinary, just making us feel special and wanting to spend their life with us is mostly all we need, ok a few flowers and a ring wouldn't hurt...but we'll skip the details.
I try to hide it most of the time, but there's a romantic in me and I'm a firm believer in "when you know, you know." I think a lot of people try to pretend and hide their feelings, cause that kinda stuff can be scary, but I believe that there is someone out there for everyone, we weren't meant to be alone. Sometimes as a character in Friends with Benefits says "you have to update your fairy tale". A few of us probably need to work on that, but I think it's normal and healthy to have a Fairy Tale, even if it's some what unrealistic. We all deserve the best, so aim high.
Anyway...that's all I got. I hope you all get your Fairy Tales and live Happily Ever After...
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Guys vs. Girls
I had a comment about the difference between guys and girls the other day, but it was a little too long for a FB status so I thought I'd post it here...
So...based on my recent experience I feel like guys (yes, I'm generalizing) think that when they think a girl is cute/hot/pretty/etc that, that girl MUST find them to be the same. They find you attractive, what do you mean you don't think of them the same way?! However I believe girls (again I'm generalizing) are slightly smarter, and just because they find a guy to be attractive they understand that the feeling might not be reciprocated.
Maybe I'm wrong, but then again...maybe I'm not.
So...based on my recent experience I feel like guys (yes, I'm generalizing) think that when they think a girl is cute/hot/pretty/etc that, that girl MUST find them to be the same. They find you attractive, what do you mean you don't think of them the same way?! However I believe girls (again I'm generalizing) are slightly smarter, and just because they find a guy to be attractive they understand that the feeling might not be reciprocated.
Maybe I'm wrong, but then again...maybe I'm not.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
It contains my Heart
I went to a movie tonight with my friend Brittany. We saw Something Borrowed. It was a good movie, definitely worth seeing. I've been a little emotional lately, but trying to hide it and pretend my emotions aren't there. I've gotten pretty good at that, but occasionally they get the best of me and I guess the movie must've triggered something. So when I came home I wrote a little something. If you don't already know, writing is my healing process, and as part of the process I feel I need to share. So here goes...
I hate that I still miss you
I hate that I can't get what I really want to say out
I hate that I can't be happy for you
I hate that the thought of seeing you gives me anxiety
I hate that no one compares to you
But mostly I hate that I don't hate you.
I have a notebook, it contains a lot of letters, poems, thoughts, and feelings. It contains my heart.
I hate that I still miss you
I hate that I can't get what I really want to say out
I hate that I can't be happy for you
I hate that the thought of seeing you gives me anxiety
I hate that no one compares to you
But mostly I hate that I don't hate you.
I have a notebook, it contains a lot of letters, poems, thoughts, and feelings. It contains my heart.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Almost a Year
As always I should be doing work right now, but it's been a rough day already so I needed some quick blog therapy.
As we near the one year anniversary of my car dying I continue to wonder how I have not gone clinically insane without a car for a year, especially on days like today.
I woke up late this morning, I don't remember my alarm going off, but oh well can't do much about that now. I woke up to a message from my roommate telling me he needed his car today (he is nice enough to share his car with me), which meant he needed to take me to work. He said he didn't remember if I worked so to knock on his door if I needed him to drive me. I don't know how he didn't remember if I worked since we had talked about the fact that he might have to drive me at 11:30pm last night, but anyway. So I send him a message when I wake up late saying yes I work this morning and I'd be ready in 10 minutes. No response... So I get ready and knock on his door, get some food together for work, knock again....stand there and wait, walk in circles...knock again... At this point I should already be at work and I am still at my house a good 15-20 minutes away. So I make the executive decision to just leave, he must've fallen back asleep, but I can't very well wait to find out and we'll just have to deal with the car thing later.
So...I get to work and apologize to my boss for being late, I don't explain it, because it's my issue not his and there is no excuse really. I've probably been at work for 30 minutes and I get a message from my roommate...he just got my message and he needs his car. His sister has a doctor appointment he has to take her to in 30 minutes and it took her 6 months to even get this appointment. SH*T! My boss was on the phone so I rather impatiently waited for him to be done and packed up all my stuff. When he was done I hurriedly explained the situation and said I would work from home and come back later if I could. I'm extremely flustered at this point and feel HORRIBLE about everything going on.
I get back home, my roommate leaves, and here I sit...suppose to be doing work from home. Oye! Now obviously this is not a daily or weekly occurance. But similar events happen about every month to month and a half. I really do not know how I have not gone insane. I can't remember exactly what date my car died on...I think it was a Tuesday or Thursday but it was at the end of April/very beginning of May so we are coming up on 1 year.
I would like to thank everyone who has let me borrow their car over the last year because you have helped me more than you will ever know. Hopefully "non-car" state will not continue for me much longer because I can't handle too many more days like this. But for now I need to get some work done. I hope everyone has a wonderful day and a wonderful rest of the week!
<3
As we near the one year anniversary of my car dying I continue to wonder how I have not gone clinically insane without a car for a year, especially on days like today.
I woke up late this morning, I don't remember my alarm going off, but oh well can't do much about that now. I woke up to a message from my roommate telling me he needed his car today (he is nice enough to share his car with me), which meant he needed to take me to work. He said he didn't remember if I worked so to knock on his door if I needed him to drive me. I don't know how he didn't remember if I worked since we had talked about the fact that he might have to drive me at 11:30pm last night, but anyway. So I send him a message when I wake up late saying yes I work this morning and I'd be ready in 10 minutes. No response... So I get ready and knock on his door, get some food together for work, knock again....stand there and wait, walk in circles...knock again... At this point I should already be at work and I am still at my house a good 15-20 minutes away. So I make the executive decision to just leave, he must've fallen back asleep, but I can't very well wait to find out and we'll just have to deal with the car thing later.
So...I get to work and apologize to my boss for being late, I don't explain it, because it's my issue not his and there is no excuse really. I've probably been at work for 30 minutes and I get a message from my roommate...he just got my message and he needs his car. His sister has a doctor appointment he has to take her to in 30 minutes and it took her 6 months to even get this appointment. SH*T! My boss was on the phone so I rather impatiently waited for him to be done and packed up all my stuff. When he was done I hurriedly explained the situation and said I would work from home and come back later if I could. I'm extremely flustered at this point and feel HORRIBLE about everything going on.
I get back home, my roommate leaves, and here I sit...suppose to be doing work from home. Oye! Now obviously this is not a daily or weekly occurance. But similar events happen about every month to month and a half. I really do not know how I have not gone insane. I can't remember exactly what date my car died on...I think it was a Tuesday or Thursday but it was at the end of April/very beginning of May so we are coming up on 1 year.
I would like to thank everyone who has let me borrow their car over the last year because you have helped me more than you will ever know. Hopefully "non-car" state will not continue for me much longer because I can't handle too many more days like this. But for now I need to get some work done. I hope everyone has a wonderful day and a wonderful rest of the week!
<3
Monday, April 4, 2011
Thoughts
I hate to be one of those girls that's "never over their ex" and this is not going to be one of those posts, but it does have some reference. So...you have been warned :)
I have never been the boyfriend girl. I have always had guys around, I'm kind of a guys girl and have always had more guy friends than girl friends. And I've always had crushes, boys I've liked, 'dates', etc. But I am also picky as hell when it comes to who I could actually "spend the rest of my life with" and I refuse to give you a chance and call you my boyfriend if I don't think it'll work in the future. It's kind of a joke, but it has been said that if you last two weeks with me you must be special and if you make it two months you must really be special. It's a joke, but it has some truth behind it. It doesn't take me long to decide whether I'd like you to stick around in my life or not.
I've had a couple other relationships, but they were all very short. The most recent one was the longest, best relationship I've had. The whole experience changed me a lot, and I now have a better point of reference going forward for really what I am truly looking for out of a partner. I am still trying to figure out what I really want to do with my life, I think I will forever be on that quest honestly. But I am at the point in my life, that I am really ready for a relationship. I don't have a lot of time these days, but I miss having that other person there when you've had a long day and you just want to curl up and be with the person that makes you happy. I miss having someone to eat with and sleep next to, and just be there when you need them, and I never thought I would miss all of that the most.
Relationships take work and they're never easy, but at the same time there are relationships that really ARE easy, and they just work. I never knew this to be true until my most recent relationshiop. Until the end everything was just so effortless and natural. Dating sucks, it is seriously not fun at all.
Most people tell you that you have to figure out who you are and what you want to do with your life before you can make someone else happy, and part of me believes that. I believe you have to be happy with who you are, because you cannot expect to make someone else happy if you can't make yourself happy. But in my personal life I feel like I could be happy doing anything career-wise as long as I have a happy relationship and a family. I am not saying that I would give up who I am to have the relationship & family, but I also do not want a career that is going to get in the way of me having a relationship and family. I was born to be a mom, and that ranks higher than career on my list.
I guess I'm not getting any younger at this point, and I'm tired of the same old thing. I'm ready for the next step in my life. I don't need to go out and meet boys...I need to just meet "the one" boy. I'm not in a rush to make it happen...just ready for it.
Now...this old lady needs to get her beauty rest. G'night all! <3
I have never been the boyfriend girl. I have always had guys around, I'm kind of a guys girl and have always had more guy friends than girl friends. And I've always had crushes, boys I've liked, 'dates', etc. But I am also picky as hell when it comes to who I could actually "spend the rest of my life with" and I refuse to give you a chance and call you my boyfriend if I don't think it'll work in the future. It's kind of a joke, but it has been said that if you last two weeks with me you must be special and if you make it two months you must really be special. It's a joke, but it has some truth behind it. It doesn't take me long to decide whether I'd like you to stick around in my life or not.
I've had a couple other relationships, but they were all very short. The most recent one was the longest, best relationship I've had. The whole experience changed me a lot, and I now have a better point of reference going forward for really what I am truly looking for out of a partner. I am still trying to figure out what I really want to do with my life, I think I will forever be on that quest honestly. But I am at the point in my life, that I am really ready for a relationship. I don't have a lot of time these days, but I miss having that other person there when you've had a long day and you just want to curl up and be with the person that makes you happy. I miss having someone to eat with and sleep next to, and just be there when you need them, and I never thought I would miss all of that the most.
Relationships take work and they're never easy, but at the same time there are relationships that really ARE easy, and they just work. I never knew this to be true until my most recent relationshiop. Until the end everything was just so effortless and natural. Dating sucks, it is seriously not fun at all.
Most people tell you that you have to figure out who you are and what you want to do with your life before you can make someone else happy, and part of me believes that. I believe you have to be happy with who you are, because you cannot expect to make someone else happy if you can't make yourself happy. But in my personal life I feel like I could be happy doing anything career-wise as long as I have a happy relationship and a family. I am not saying that I would give up who I am to have the relationship & family, but I also do not want a career that is going to get in the way of me having a relationship and family. I was born to be a mom, and that ranks higher than career on my list.
I guess I'm not getting any younger at this point, and I'm tired of the same old thing. I'm ready for the next step in my life. I don't need to go out and meet boys...I need to just meet "the one" boy. I'm not in a rush to make it happen...just ready for it.
Now...this old lady needs to get her beauty rest. G'night all! <3
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Baby Fever
I had thought about writing this blog back on Monday, but I never got around to it...been too busy.
But anyway... On Monday I got to meet my new adorable niece Sage for the first time, she was two weeks old exactly on that day. She's so cute, and looks a lot like her big brother. I love any age of kids, but babies are just amazing. The way they just cozy up in your arms and sleep for hours is just indescribable!
I must say though...holding Sage definitely gave me Baby Fever. I am a natural at all things "mom" and for those of you that don't know...I've wanted to be a Mom since I was 2. So holding Sage, giving her a bottle, watching her sleep in my arms, calming her down...it tugs on my 'uterus strings' we'll call them. I know that it's not the right time or place for me to be having a baby yet, and I'm not one of those girls that would pull the "accidentally on purpose" pregnancy, so I will wait, but my anticipation for that right time grows more and more each day for sure!
Here are the pictures I took on Monday with her sleeping in my arms.
Well that's all for now. Hope you guys had a nice weekend!
Much <3
But anyway... On Monday I got to meet my new adorable niece Sage for the first time, she was two weeks old exactly on that day. She's so cute, and looks a lot like her big brother. I love any age of kids, but babies are just amazing. The way they just cozy up in your arms and sleep for hours is just indescribable!
I must say though...holding Sage definitely gave me Baby Fever. I am a natural at all things "mom" and for those of you that don't know...I've wanted to be a Mom since I was 2. So holding Sage, giving her a bottle, watching her sleep in my arms, calming her down...it tugs on my 'uterus strings' we'll call them. I know that it's not the right time or place for me to be having a baby yet, and I'm not one of those girls that would pull the "accidentally on purpose" pregnancy, so I will wait, but my anticipation for that right time grows more and more each day for sure!
Here are the pictures I took on Monday with her sleeping in my arms.
Well that's all for now. Hope you guys had a nice weekend!
Much <3
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
The Real Erika
I am being naughty, and taking a few minutes from work to write this quick blog. It's just something I've been thinking about since last night and I needed to write it.
The last two...almost three really...years of my life have been a lot of ups and downs. A lot of figuring out who I am, what I want do with my life, and just trying to deal with what life throws at you. I got very lucky and have been blessed with some wonderful new friends in the last few years, and I was blessed with what was a great relationship. However, I have been slacking in the work department. I guess being fired from two, essentially three, jobs all within a 6 month time period can shatter anyone's confidence.
I got a job, a few months ago now, which I was very happy to start. I'm not much of a morning person, but I still like going to work every morning. And I just got a second job last night, I start training today. I hope it all goes well!
I think some people don't understand working two jobs, but I feel like that's who I am. I worked two jobs while going to school all throughout my Bachelor's. It's busy and sometimes a bit stressful, and tiring, but I like it. And I am actually very glad to be going back to that life. I like being busy, I like not living pay check to pay check (hopefully I won't have to...fingers crossed).
The downfall of being so busy is that I don't get to see my friend's as much. So I hope all of you understand, but I promise to make as much time for you as possible. I have enjoyed spending time with everyone as much as I wanted, but I do prefer to be busy, have things going on, feeling productive. I'm such an independent girl, and I haven't felt very independent recently.
So...I hope you all understand when I have to work instead of coming out, but I hope that at least some of the time you can come visit me at work. And I am very glad to be feeling like myself again!
Hope you all have a great rest of the week!
Much <3
The last two...almost three really...years of my life have been a lot of ups and downs. A lot of figuring out who I am, what I want do with my life, and just trying to deal with what life throws at you. I got very lucky and have been blessed with some wonderful new friends in the last few years, and I was blessed with what was a great relationship. However, I have been slacking in the work department. I guess being fired from two, essentially three, jobs all within a 6 month time period can shatter anyone's confidence.
I got a job, a few months ago now, which I was very happy to start. I'm not much of a morning person, but I still like going to work every morning. And I just got a second job last night, I start training today. I hope it all goes well!
I think some people don't understand working two jobs, but I feel like that's who I am. I worked two jobs while going to school all throughout my Bachelor's. It's busy and sometimes a bit stressful, and tiring, but I like it. And I am actually very glad to be going back to that life. I like being busy, I like not living pay check to pay check (hopefully I won't have to...fingers crossed).
The downfall of being so busy is that I don't get to see my friend's as much. So I hope all of you understand, but I promise to make as much time for you as possible. I have enjoyed spending time with everyone as much as I wanted, but I do prefer to be busy, have things going on, feeling productive. I'm such an independent girl, and I haven't felt very independent recently.
So...I hope you all understand when I have to work instead of coming out, but I hope that at least some of the time you can come visit me at work. And I am very glad to be feeling like myself again!
Hope you all have a great rest of the week!
Much <3
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Baby Sage
I decided the other day that I hadn't blogged in a while. I've been so busy I haven't sat down to write out any of my thoughts. But today I received some very exciting news and I decided I simply HAD to blog about it.
My very dear friend Anny had her second baby sometime late yesterday (not sure of the exact time) and I received a picture of my new niece, Sage Vi, this morning as I was walking to the car to go to work. This made my day and I was instantly in an amazing mood.
I love children and can honestly not wait for the day I find out that I'm pregnant and I'm looking forward to the day that each of my children are born even more! If you didn't already know...I was born to be a mom! But in the meantime I LOVE spoiling my nieces and nephews (none of them blood related, but that doesn't matter one bit) and therefore I could not be more excited for Anny, Trevor and big brother Cole. And of course since I'm SO excited...I had to share my excitement with you all.
So...may I present Miss Sage Vi Narron, born 2.28.11 weighing 6lbs 10oz:
Much Love to you all! Enjoy the rest of your week <3
My very dear friend Anny had her second baby sometime late yesterday (not sure of the exact time) and I received a picture of my new niece, Sage Vi, this morning as I was walking to the car to go to work. This made my day and I was instantly in an amazing mood.
I love children and can honestly not wait for the day I find out that I'm pregnant and I'm looking forward to the day that each of my children are born even more! If you didn't already know...I was born to be a mom! But in the meantime I LOVE spoiling my nieces and nephews (none of them blood related, but that doesn't matter one bit) and therefore I could not be more excited for Anny, Trevor and big brother Cole. And of course since I'm SO excited...I had to share my excitement with you all.
So...may I present Miss Sage Vi Narron, born 2.28.11 weighing 6lbs 10oz:
Much Love to you all! Enjoy the rest of your week <3
Saturday, February 19, 2011
This post is probably gonna be a short one. But I just wanted to comment on this topic. I found it very funny that there was such an upheaval this week with Twitter revoking UberTwitter's privileges. A few years ago Twitter was such a small community and now millions of people are upset by an app not working on their phone. I am pretty new to Twitter but I've got to say it's been annoying. All of the other applications are just not the same. I can't wait for UberTwitter now apparently named UberSocial's return.
That's all for now...G'night everyone!
Monday, February 14, 2011
Valentine's Day
I was told I need to blog more, and since today is such a talked about "holiday" I thought I'd put my two cents in on the day.
I, in true Valentine's tradition, wore all black today, I have done so since high school. Contrary to what most people might think, I am not bitter...although to be honest it probably started out that way... I wear black because, well, it's tradition...and because who wants to do what everyone else does and wear pink or red anyway?! I actually hate this so called 'holiday' because in my opinion there shouldn't be one day set aside where people are suppose to be romantic and try to "prove" to each other how much they love each other. If you wait till Valentine's day to be romantic, then you are not much of a romantic at all.
I'm all for traditions, so if you have a tradition to send flowers, buy cards, go out to dinner, etc. then I'm all for it. For example, my Grandma sends us Grandkids cards with $2 bills inside. She has done this ever since I can remember. She thought about stopping the tradition a year or so ago, and several of us, including me, protested. Why break with tradition? Do I need a $2 bill? No, but it's tradition! That being said, don't send flowers or cards just because you're 'suppose to'...be original.
So...consider this blog to be my warning to any future/potential Valentine's of mine. Be spontaneous, be original, do something personal that matters to you and I...and not just on Valentine's day. I don't want to celebrate our relationship/love/whatever on the same day that everyone else celebrates theirs! I want different! I want unique...one of a kind!
That all being said. I hope you ALL had a wonderful Valentine's Day and you spent it exactly HOW you wanted to with exactly WHO you wanted to. Much LOVE to you all!
<3
I, in true Valentine's tradition, wore all black today, I have done so since high school. Contrary to what most people might think, I am not bitter...although to be honest it probably started out that way... I wear black because, well, it's tradition...and because who wants to do what everyone else does and wear pink or red anyway?! I actually hate this so called 'holiday' because in my opinion there shouldn't be one day set aside where people are suppose to be romantic and try to "prove" to each other how much they love each other. If you wait till Valentine's day to be romantic, then you are not much of a romantic at all.
I'm all for traditions, so if you have a tradition to send flowers, buy cards, go out to dinner, etc. then I'm all for it. For example, my Grandma sends us Grandkids cards with $2 bills inside. She has done this ever since I can remember. She thought about stopping the tradition a year or so ago, and several of us, including me, protested. Why break with tradition? Do I need a $2 bill? No, but it's tradition! That being said, don't send flowers or cards just because you're 'suppose to'...be original.
So...consider this blog to be my warning to any future/potential Valentine's of mine. Be spontaneous, be original, do something personal that matters to you and I...and not just on Valentine's day. I don't want to celebrate our relationship/love/whatever on the same day that everyone else celebrates theirs! I want different! I want unique...one of a kind!
That all being said. I hope you ALL had a wonderful Valentine's Day and you spent it exactly HOW you wanted to with exactly WHO you wanted to. Much LOVE to you all!
<3
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Pictures & Memories
I have been looking through pictures a lot recently and thinking about the memories that go along with those pictures. Even though a lot of the most recent pictures are related to my relationship with 'you know who' (and if you don't know who just pretend...thanks!) I am actually very happy to have those memories! There are pictures from the night that I met him, my favorite picture of the two of us, a couple holidays, his birthday, and even our last night out together which incidentally was probably the night that ended our relationship. At first it hurt to look back at those pictures, because I was so happy in them and that happiness had been taken away from me. But I am proud to say I have finally gotten to the point that looking through those pictures doesn't hurt. I am happy to have those pictures and the memories that go with them. I was really happy when those pictures were taken and I like remembering how happy I felt, I think it has helped to remind myself that I'll get there again...when I'm ready.
I have never been much of a picture taker. I've had a camera for a while, and continue to get new ones. Each time I get a new camera I think that I'll take pictures more, but then I never do. I carry a camera around with me in my purse and it almost never comes out. I am, however, lucky enough to know a lot of people that do love to take pictures, and I'm grateful for them because they have given me so many pictures to accompany thousands of memories. If you are those photo takers in my life just know that I appreciate you more than you know!
Now...a quick reflection of some of my favorite photos....
PS...I got a little carried away :)
I have never been much of a picture taker. I've had a camera for a while, and continue to get new ones. Each time I get a new camera I think that I'll take pictures more, but then I never do. I carry a camera around with me in my purse and it almost never comes out. I am, however, lucky enough to know a lot of people that do love to take pictures, and I'm grateful for them because they have given me so many pictures to accompany thousands of memories. If you are those photo takers in my life just know that I appreciate you more than you know!
Now...a quick reflection of some of my favorite photos....
PS...I got a little carried away :)
I have a Blog!
For my first one I might as well just say...I now have a blog. There will be more to come...
Enjoy!
Enjoy!
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