Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Now What?

There has been a lot on my mind recently, and I can't figure it all out.  I'm not entirely sure how I'm suppose to feel.

A few weeks ago something I never imagined would happen to me, happened.  And because of it I lost a very close friend.  After the 'incident' I knew what I had to do, and I did it.  I'm a strong person, woman, and I deserve more, better.  I don't regret my decision to leave and walk away, it was the right thing.  But I can't help but think "now what?"

I can't help but think that I failed.  I let things go too far, I involved too many people, and now more than ever I feel stuck.  I feel as though I have dug myself too deep of a hole.  I know with a lot of hard work I'll climb out, and I know that I will be fine and my friends and family will be there for me.  But I feel very guilty right now.  I've involved a lot of people in a decision and a life that they didn't need to be a part of.  It's because of how much they care for me that they are involved as well.  I cared about another person more than I cared about myself, and because of that the people who really love and care about me are being burdened.

I'm starting over, which isn't new for me.  But the only thing I have in which to start over is a vehicle, something that wasn't even my idea...but it became my responsibility.  I'm grateful for the vehicle, previously I had been without one for two years.  But currently it's a burden I'm putting on other people as well, which just makes me feel guilty again.

I hate depending on other people, I've done it before, everyone needs help, everyone has hard times.  But this time I did it with my own decisions.  I got myself fired, I agreed to help a friend, and I let things get SO out of control that I've been homeless for 3 months.  My things are in storage, I have had to buy clothes to go to interviews, buy new jeans to fit me because I've lost so much weight that nothing I have fits me.  And I can't afford anything.  For a long time I thought I had it all under control.  It was difficult, things never got easier, but I was going to figure it out.  I am officially willing to admit that I lost control...months ago.

Yes, I know I'm going to be fine.  Everyone keeps hovering around me like I need to be rescued.  And in all honesty I probably do.  But I don't want to be.  I don't want more help.  I've asked for too much.  I was too stubborn for too long and I got hurt.

I feel very lost, I don't know where to go, I don't know what the right decision is.  I don't even know what I want.  So...now what?

I'm sorry to those that I have burdened, I'm sorry for being stubborn, I'm sorry for dragging you all into to this.  I love you for loving me!  And I promise to make it all better, somehow, someday.

Monday, September 10, 2012

The Contents of My Life

I haven't blogged in a while.  There has been a lot going on, and even more going on in my head.  So it's probably about time I get some of it out of my head and into a blog.

The topic of Home has been stirring around in my head as of late.  No matter what was going on at previous points of my life, the chaos, the disappointments, the norms of every day life.  I have always had a place to retreat to.  A home.  I think that is very important, to me anyway, to have a place you feel safe.  A place where you are surrounded by your belongings.  A place you can hide out.  A place that is yours.

I've been struggling a lot with this lately.  I have a place to stay, a place I feel safe, but it's not mine.  And what makes it not mine is the suitcase filled with my clothes at the end of the bed, the shower supplies in the closet, the 3 pairs of shoes I have to choose from: work shoes, chucks, and flip flops.  I'm more grateful than I could ever express for the roof that's over my head, and the person who is providing it for me.  But I feel very lost right now.  Lost for many reasons, but instead of a place to call my own, I have a room with my belongings in it.  I went to the storage unit, which is housing the rest of my belongings, the other week; it made me incredibly sad.  I stood at the door of the storage unit and looked over everything I owned.  And I could barely get to any of it.  It was all there in front of me, and I couldn't have it.  It makes me tear up a little bit, just thinking about it.

I'm not very materialistic, I don't need stuff to make me happy, but at the same time the contents of my life are in a 10x17 box right now.  Everything that I have worked for, saved for, been gifted, all my memories are behind a garage door.  I can't wear any other clothes than the ones that are in my suit case (most of which don't even fit me right now), I can't have any other pairs of shoes, I can't watch a DVD I own, I can't do anything but just look at everything.

I'm frustrated.  I don't like to place blame on others, so I won't.  But I work hard, I always do what I can to help others out.  And here I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.  I never put me first, it's a flaw I have for sure, one that won't soon go away.  But I also feel too many people in this world are only concerned with themselves.  They never put anyone else first.  It's one of our worst problems in America I think, we forgot what it's like to look out for others.

I do this to myself.  I put myself in these positions where in the end I always get screwed, because I put my faith in others and I put them before myself.  And I'll work hard some more, I'll put my head down and figure it out (not without a little help, of course).  I always do.  Sometimes I just need a little reminder.

Well....enough from me for now, but I do have to end with a quote:

"You never know how strong you are...until being strong is the only choice you have."

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

She is clothed in Strength

I have been thinking about a lot of things recently, as hopefully the culmination of a lot of different 'projects' comes to an end.  This summer has been an interesting one, not one that most people would have or could have predicted.

I have put myself in a position that most people would not advise.  Most people that know the whole story feel I have been taken advantage of.  However, despite the adversity, the opinions, the changes in plans; I have never once questioned who I am as an individual or how I got into this situation.  I put myself where I am and I will get myself out, and be better off for it.

My wrists say "I am" and "I can" and that is now more true than ever.  I have found strength in myself that I never knew I had and I didn't have to struggle to find it.  I know that no matter what happens I can figure it out, I can make it through.  So despite any surprises that came our way this summer, I remained calm, I've figured it out and I've done what I've had to do.  And I'll continue to do that.

I have been in some low places throughout my life and I have always come out a better person.  Sometimes it's easy to get down on yourself, blame other people, be depressed, but for the first time in my life when things didn't go my way, I knew I'd be ok.  Could things have been less difficult, of course.  But I choose the path less traveled constantly.  I am stronger than most.  I am proud of myself and the person I have become!

I recently found this quote and it's my new favorite, I feel it defines me in a way:

She is clothed in Strength and Dignity, and she Laughs without Fear of the Future.  -Proverbs 11:25

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

A Reason, a Season or a Lifetime

"Reason, Season, or a Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually.

They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die.  Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come in to your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it, it is real.  But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.


I love this poem!  It does such a good job of explaining how certain people come into your life and you wonder how you ever lived without them.  Last Monday I said: "This week...although barely started looks like it's going to be a good one!"  And while I wasn't totally right about that statement, I wasn't wrong either.  Last week I learned how special certain people in my life can make me feel.  I learned that I made more friends than I ever thought I could at a job, and that I will have many of those friends for a long time.

I have learned that life seems to give you what you need, even when you didn't know you needed it.  I think RnR was that for me.  I just wanted a new job, and what I got was way more than just a new job.  I have met some of the most amazing people and they have touched me deeply!  I have gained a family.  A dysfunctional one, but a family none the less.  It's life experiences like that, that remind me more and more what I believe my purpose in life to be.  It solidifies to me that life is not perfect, but it's the people in your life that make it all worthwhile.

I don't know that I will ever find my one true love, but I know that I will always have plenty of love in my life.  I don't know that my family will be perfect, but I know my friends are my family too and that's all you can ask for.  I don't know that I will find a career to call my own, but I know that I feel happiest when I can be there for other people.

I believe my purpose in life is to be myself.  I was born to be a Mom, there is never a doubt in my mind about that, and I hope that someday I will have kids of my own, but until then I am content to "mother" my friends.  I don't mean that as a bad thing.  I am happiest when I can give people what they need most: an ear to listen to their problems, a hug when it's just that kinda day, a place to go and escape, home cooked food when you need a good meal, the feeling that someone out there cares and loves you for exactly who you are.  I wouldn't change the joy I feel when I know I can be there for someone, for anything in this world.

There is a quote that says: "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. -Maya Angelou"  I believe that to be true, and pretty perfect for this situation.  I hope that I can live up to that quote!  I hope that I have made people feel as special as they have made me feel, and I hope that they will always remember how I made them feel.  People may come into your life for a Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime, but at the end of the day all that really matters in life is the friends you've made, your family (blood-related or not), and the memories of all of it.


Saturday, March 17, 2012

The Service Industry

I realize that I choose to work in the service industry and as a whole...I like the service industry.  But nights like tonight...make me question my decision...  Nights like tonight prove how remarkably unintelligent this society is, how much everyone only looks out for themselves, and proves how annoying working in this industry can be.

So...in order to make myself feel better by bitching, and perhaps educate those of you that don't know...let me tell you just how annoying some people can be.

1. If you see a door with a W or an M on it...chances are it is a restroom.  W standing for Women.  M standing for Men.  Apparently...this is confusing.

2. Bathrooms are, per health code and other such codes, required to be handicap accessible.  That means...when looking for a bathroom it is safe to say they are not up a flight of stairs...

3. If there is a door with the words "Push" or "Pull" on it...and there are no other such doors.  That is probably the front door.  Also, confusing...I know!

4. If after you walk through that confusing door with the "Push" or "Pull" written on it and there is a desk...chances are there is a hostess.  And since there is a hostess that means there is someone that is getting paid to seat you at a table.  Which means....it's not a free-for-all and you are not permitted to sit wherever it is that you want.  Especially when it is busy and there are perhaps people waiting, like civilized people, for a table that you have now just sat yourself at clean or unclean, without menus, silverware, and other necessary dining accessories.

I could go on forever...but I'll wrap this up.

5.  After you have been seated, served your food, drinks, etc.  And you decide you are finished it is customary to pay your tab...yes you were charged for these items that you consumed so you should pay for them.  It is also customary to tip...because after all you indulged in my services and I am not working for free. If you can't afford it...stay home.

Yep...it's been that kind of night.

G'night my Lovelies!  Happy St. Patrick's Day!


Monday, March 5, 2012

Feeling Special

I talk a fair amount about finding my "Prince Charming".  And while I have not given up that quest, I have a more important issue to talk about tonight.

I have recently decided to give up boys, which of course is not working, the emotional stress of a relationship is just more than I can handle currently.  Dating, in truth, sucks...it really is just no fun.  I'm tired of feeling like I'm wasting my time at the end of yet another failed not even a relationship "relationship".  But at the same time I like feeling that closeness with someone, the closeness that can only be shared through cuddling, kissing, sex.  Which is why, of course, I cannot give up on guys completely.  I'm lured in by their cuteness and potential for greatness.  It's hard.  A friend and I were talking this weekend.  Very few people that I have "been with" (take that however you want) have made me feel special.  I mean that in no disrespect to those that didn't make me feel special, I think it's just something I have grown to appreciate more with age.  But regardless of the nature of my relationship with said people, there is a select group of people in my lifetime that have made me and continue to make me feel special when I'm with them, comfortable.  A comfort that is hard to express, but is felt with your whole body in a remarkably natural way.

I think that we all want to feel special when we're with the people were dating, sleeping with, seeing.  But a lot of the time we settle for not getting that feeling, because we want the company, we feel we don't deserve it, or we truly don't know what it's like to have that feeling.

I was asked recently what I was looking for in my certain someone, and frankly I have a large list.  But at the end of the day I just want to feel that special feeling.  I want to know that no matter what is going on at the end of the day, you're thinking of me.  That when you and I are together, you're in the moment with me.  I want you to look into my eyes and give me butterflies, because at that moment nothing else exists...just you and me.  And if in the end it doesn't work between you and I, that's fine.  Because I know what you and I had was special, and I'll remember it always.

I hope everyone gets to experience that amazingly special feeling someday.  Because everyone IS special, and deserves to feel and be treated that way.  If you haven't found it yet, don't give up...it's out there and you'll find it!


Thursday, February 16, 2012

Thoughts for Today

I complain a lot sometimes, about life, and how I wish things were different.  And I'm not sure what is different about today. Maybe it was just hearing someone else say what I usually think, but...
Although my life is not fancy or glamorous, it's not one most people would be jealous of, and most of the time doesn't really exist outside of work...it's mine.
I have earned the hangovers, battle wounds, scars, credit issues, heart breaks, and lessons learned. I can't say I am always happy with where I am in life. But I know I'll have earned what I get in the end, because it's my life and no one else can live it for me. And that is good enough!


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Friday, February 3, 2012

Put to the Test

The last few days have been rough on my heart and my head.  I have been thinking a lot about my life, my future, and where I want to end up.  Life never seems to end up exactly how I thought it would.  My life path is not a straight one...that's for sure.

I was watching Tori and Dean last night, the episode where Hattie was born, (don't judge me by my tv selection).  And it made me sad.  I love when other people get their fairy tales, but it always makes me sad that I haven't found mine.  When I was little I always envisioned going off to college and meeting the love of my life there, finding a career and getting everything I ever wanted out of life.  Never in any of those dreams did I think that I would be 26, without a car, living with a roommate I want to kill most days, working in a restaurant (which I honestly don't mind doing), still trying to find the love of my life.  Now I realize I have made the choices I have in life, which is why I have ended up where I am.  And I have learned along the way, which is all any one can ever hope for.  But sometimes I wish the decisions I am forced to make would get easier.

I do my best to be grateful for everything I've been given in life, and I know what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.  Sometimes I just wish I wasn't constantly being put to the test.

Monday, January 9, 2012


There are a lot of days where I walk into my room at the end of the day, to crawl into my bed and go to sleep, and there is an uneasy(esq) feeling about me.  Some days I'm exhausted and can't wait to just lay down and forget about my day, others I'm unhappy with life, some days I know I need to sleep because the next day is going to be a long one, and some days I just want to hide out in my room from the world.  But today when I walked in I felt a sense of content.  Life isn't perfect, it rarely ever is, but right now I'm ok with where I am.  I'm content and ready for what awaits me in my future.

Although getting fired is never ideal, I'm relieved in a way.  I know it'll be better for me.  I'm excited to start my new job on Tuesday.  It has been nice having a break for a few days where I could relax and cross off some items on my to do list.  I like to work, I get bored with out having something to do, but sometimes I need a reminder to slow down and enjoy myself.  They say everything happens for a reason, and in this situation I know it to be true.

That's it from me, for now.  Sweet dreams!