Sunday, January 18, 2015

This is my life now

I got a late night (for me these days) craving for grilled cheese tonight. So I decided to indulge myself. As I sat on the counter eating it, straight ahead was the Charicature that I had done of Nate and I for Valentine's Day last year. I couldn't help but think "those people were happy." It made me cry because as I sat there I thought about the fact that I have no idea where he is or when he'll be back. This is my life now. 

Almost 14 months into our relationship and I barely recognize the person I'm no longer sharing a bed with. The person who stared at me from day one at the club. The one who every time he caught my eye would wink and smile awkwardly. The guy who used to be obsessed with me, made me the happiest girl on Earth. That same guy breaks my heart more and more every day, with every drink, with every minute he avoids facing the truth, dealing with life, dealing with me. He's an addict and I have become his punching bag, the enemy. I want him to be a better person and in his eyes I'm the problem. This is my life now. 

I struggle to figure out when it all started falling apart, where did we go wrong? When did the disease get the best of him and is there anything I could've done to prevent it? I struggle with how I ended up here. What did I do to deserve this treatment, this drama, this pain? And, worst of all, how do I get out?

I've started worrying every minute, of every day when his bottom will come and if he'll survive it. It's inevitable and the only way he'll learn, but what happens next? How do I watch the man I love fall down a rabbit hole that he may not get out of? It's so painful to watch. It eats me alive every day. I know that I should leave our house, move on, let myself heal. But I don't know how to leave someone that clearly needs help, even if he can't see it. 

This is my life now and I'm unsure of exactly how I got here. And where I'm going next.