Saturday, August 3, 2013


It may sound silly, but this blog is inspired by a Thanksgiving episode of Dawson's Creek.

Brittany and I started a Dawson's Creek marathon recently and tonight was a Thanksgiving episode.  Those are actually some of my favorites, where everyone sits or stands around the dinner table and recites things they are thankful for.  Depending on the show, they all have very different things to be thankful for, but the one thing that is consistent is that what they say always sparks something in yourself.  You remember or are reminded of the things that you should be thankful for in your own life.  So...

I am thankful for the many friends I have met over the years, even the ones I don't keep in touch with any more.  I think back on many years of memories, with the people I called, still call, and will call again, friends.  Sometimes we let friendships, relationships, etc fall through the cracks when we're busy doing other things, starting new jobs, starting new relationships, making new friends, but something that will never change are the memories we have with those people.  I am a firm believer that the person that you are, that you become, has a lot to do with not only your environment, but the people in it.  You learned what Not to Do or what To Do from someone in your life, but either way you learned.  And no matter what, that's what we have to remember is important.  As long as you are learning, through the good or the bad, you are learning.  Learning who you are as a person, becoming the person you want to be or maybe the person you don't want to be.

I was recently told that the reason someone liked me was because I knew who I was as a person.  I was also told recently that I was the most dependable person that they knew.  I take these as some of the highest compliments one could get.  I will admit that I have not always known who I was, and I was probably not always dependable either.  But for good or for bad I was determined to figure out who I was, and in doing so I learned/decided what was important to me.  I decided what values I wanted to possess and I figured out how I could make myself happiest.  I can't say that I've always been happy and I can't say that I've never failed.  But through every failure I learned to accept defeat, move on, and learn for the future.

In finding myself I think I've hurt a few people along the way.  I don't mean to hurt people, and it hurts me more than they realize when I know that I do.  But unfortunately, heartbreak, pain, suffering, and tears are all part of life.  If you don't struggle you can't figure out who you are in the face of it.  Life is definitely not sunshine and roses, I would know better than most, but you'll never know how strong you are until you pick yourself up, dust yourself off and carry on.  But to those I have hurt, I'm very sorry!  I want you to know, that although I have hurt you, you are a part of my life and always will be in some way.

I think it is important to never forget the past.  A lot of people would I'm sure love to erase the "not so pretty" parts.  But to me those are the parts that are the most memorable.  Those are the situations you can learn the most from.  Three years ago I got a DUI and while you can judge me all you want for that, it is part of who I am.  And I'm ok with it.  I paid my fines, I did my assorted other court appointed stuff (the last of which is almost finished), and I did my jail time.  And I lived and learned and am now better for it.  I can't go to Canada apparently, but I think I'll be ok.  I have been heart broken and I've broken some hearts.  I've gotten drunk and made dumb decisions.  No one is perfect, and no one should be.  But being ok with you are, despite your faults and dumb decisions is something everyone needs to accomplish.

Family is a tricky one because as I have been reminded, you can choose your friends, but you cannot choose your family.  And mine is definitely not perfect, but whose is honestly.  But you know what, they're mine and I love them for who they are.  I am grateful for each and every one of them.  For everything they are to me and who they are as individuals.  I don't see them very often, but they are always apart of my heart.  I would not be who I am without them.  I would especially not be who I am without my immediate family.  We have all been through a lot and some of us are closer than others, but they will always be there when I need them and that means the world to me.

So...I would like to say Thank You to everyone who, for better or for worse, has made me the person I am today.  I am grateful for each and every one of you.  For what you have taught me about life.  For what you have taught me about myself.  For possessing values I wanted to have and for possessing values I didn't want to have.  For letting me learn from my mistakes and from yours.  For letting me into your lives and letting me go when it was time.  For giving me roots when I needed a place to stand and for giving me wings when I was brave enough to fly.  For giving me love and accepting it from me.  For giving me friendship and accepting mine in return.  For giving me strength when I needed it the most and for letting me be your strength when you needed it.  Thank you for being you!

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Everything Happens for a Reason

This might be a repeat title in my blog, but it's a phrase that all of us, at some point in our lives, will need to be reminded. And it's something that I am remembering today.

I am no stranger to dark days. And I'm sure I will have many more in my lifetime. I have never skated through life unharmed. I have had many obstacles, some of which I've overcome, some of which I haven't. But I've always learned, adapted.

I've learned things about myself. I've learned things about other people, my friends, former friends, my family. And I've adapted. I learned to live without a car for two years. I walked to work, took cabs and buses. It wasn't easy and certainly not fun, but I did it. I unfortunately have learned to be unemployed. I have learned to keep myself busy, to conserve money and to borrow when I have to. I have learned that you can't always count on the people you thought you could and you will get taken advantage of. But I am a better, stronger person because of everything I've been through.

And like the title says, Everything Happens for a Reason. I have gone through all I have, met the people I have all to make me who I am.

And sometimes life rewards you for your struggles. In the midst of one of the hardest years of my life I was lucky enough to be blessed with a new job and through that job I found him. The job, as it turns out, was not so great. But it led me to him. When I met him I wasn't sure I was ready. Wasn't sure I could be in a relationship after everything I'd been through recently. But my head was proven wrong by my heart. And I couldn't be happier.

I found someone who I might never have pictured myself with, but he's exactly what I need, want. And I love him.

Nothing is ever perfect and neither are we. But I've learned that when you really care, it really is worth fighting for, working for. And at the end of the day, despite feeling frustrated or defeated sometimes, there is no other place I'd rather be than sleeping right beside him.

So, everything really does happen for a reason. Whether you recognize it right away or not. And sometimes when you least expect it you'll be blessed with exactly what you need. So keep your head up everyone!

Babe, I'm the lucky one! I love you!

<3 E

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Trying Hard

Today was a very frustrating day on top of what has been a very frustrating month. A month ago today I was fired.  The act of being fired doesn't really get to me any more.  I've been fired enough times by now that the act itself, although never fun, doesn't really bother me.  There usually isn't anything you can do about it, so you go on as life does.  It's what happens after you get fired that I don't think anyone will ever get used to.

I hate looking for jobs, probably because it reminds me that I have no idea what I want to do with my life.  Struggling for money is one of the worst, most frustrating, helpless feelings in your life.  I'm 27 years old and I still can't take care of myself.  In fact I probably did a better job of it when I was 19 than I'm doing now.  It makes me feel like a terrible person, and if I didn't feel bad enough already I can't receive any help from my father without him reminding me that I have no direction.  All help comes with strings, I know, but he's not known for his motivational speaking.

I also hate car problems.  I feel like that is the story of my life these days.  I didn't have a car for two years and it definitely was not sunshine and roses always.  I like being able to get in the car and go wherever I want.  But I would trade repair expenses and stress for bus and cab rides any day.  That is what is so frustrating about today.  I went to my truck brakes.  This is now the second time in a month.  All I can say is, at least I wasn't driving it this time and it's not stuck in Surprise so the tow to the shop will be cheaper (as I say that I create silent panic in my brain because my unemployed self cannot afford any more expenses).  I think by this point I have paid double what I paid for the car in repairs.  Some would consider that good (the truck was cheap), but I consider that to be not worth it.  I, unfortunately, am used to being in situations where I can't do anything about it, so I will just deal and figure it out.  But I can't wait for that conversation with my father...

I think the most frustrating, part of the last month has been the best thing in my life.  I realize that makes no sense, but I'll explain.  3 months ago, today in fact (well...Saturday), I started dating My Future.  Love of my Life sounds I'm going to call him My Future.  He makes me happier than I could ever imagine, no time with him is ever enough, and I'm more grateful for him than he could ever know.  Sounds great right? What could be so frustrating?  I can't help but feel like I'm failing and some how failing him.  I sit at his house on the couch all day while he does things because it's cheaper.  I don't want to waste gas, I don't want to be tempted to spend money.  Sometimes it's hard to be happy even though I have him because the majority of me is a mess.  And that's not fair to him.  And it's not his fault.

I'm lost, I'll admit it.  I've been lost for most of my life I think.  I find things here and there to distract myself, but I'm ultimately still lost.  I've come to terms with the fact that I am not most people.  I don't take the path most traveled.  I learn lessons the hard way.  I'm stubborn.  I'm not going to be a millionaire, don't think I'd want to be.  I'm not a 9 to 5 job person, it's boring.  I can make anything seem like the right thing for a while, but ultimately they're not.  I believe with 100% of my heart that I was meant to be a Mom.  But I also know that right now is not the time.  And I haven't found my second calling in life, who knows, maybe I'll never find it.  I may be lost for a lifetime.

So...trying hard... I'm trying very hard to keep it all together.  I'm trying to find a job, trying to get my vehicle fixed and get it to stay that way.  I'm trying to figure myself out, get my life together, support myself.  I'm trying to be a girlfriend, a friend, a daughter, a sister, etc.  But it's hard and I fail and I feel bad.  There's nothing worse in life than disappointing the ones you love.

Since I'm a big quote person, and because it will make me feel better here are a few...

Courage doesn't always roar.
Sometimes courage is the quiet voice
at the end of the day saying,
"I will try again tomorrow."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.
- Robert Kennedy

Life is a song - sing it.
Life is a game - play it.
Life is a challenge - meet it.
Life is a dream - realize it.
Life is a sacrifice - offer it.
Life is love - enjoy it.
- Sai Baba

Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass...
It's about learning how to dance in the rain.
- Vivian Greene

Being human, we are imperfect. That's why we need each other.
To catch each other when we falter.
To encourage each other when we lose heart.
Some may lead; others may follow; but none of us can go it alone.
- Hilary Clinton

Flatter me, and I may not believe you.
Criticize me, and I may not like you.
Ignore me, and I may not forgive you.
Encourage me, and I will not forget you.
Love me and I may be forced to love you.
- William Arthur Ward

<3 E