Learning to Dance in the Rain

The thing about grief, depression, and loss is that they are different for everyone. No two people deal with them the same and yet we will all experience them at some point in our lives.

In my opinion those 3 things are some of the hardest emotionally to deal with. And not only are they hard on the person going through them but they are hard on the people around that person. 

I don't claim to be an expert on the subject, in fact I've been dealing with a bout of all 3 for the last 6 months.

In the midst of some emotional relationship turmoil I lost my Grandma, the only one I've ever known. And it took me about a week to process and grieve her death, if not more. And I still don't claim to have totally accepted it, if I'm being honest. The last month since has been one of the hardest in a really long time. Not necessarily because of her death, she was after all 91, but I think with loss comes reflection and an evaluation of your life. And that is where I'm struggling. 

For 2 years I have been in a slightly on again, off again relationship. We haven't seen or talked to each other in a month now, but I'm not convinced this is the end. And if I'm being honest, I'm not sure I want it to be the end. I should, but I don't. 

We lived together for a year when I moved out. It was the right thing. Our relationship had become volatile. He struggles with what I call "growing up" but others would call commitment and letting go of his single life, among other things.

After I moved out it was even more of a roller coaster. And above everything else it was really emotionally draining for me. I still love him, despite having my heart crushed a few times. I still think that under all the superficial crap he hides behind that he is the one. But I can't make him change. I can't make him step up. I have had to stand my ground and let my head prevail when my heart doesn't want to let go. 2 days before my Grandma died I had to tell him not to call me anymore.

I live 2,000 miles away from most of my family and when I got the phone call from my Dad that my Grandma had passed, peacefully in her sleep, I couldn't call the one person I wanted to. There was no one there to hug, no one to be my rock.  Instead I went about my day and worked two jobs. I worked every day until the day I left for Illinois and two days later I was back and went to work straight off the plane. I was there for my family, my sister, my Dad and that was important to them and to me. But it was hard, hard to be there for others without someone being there for me.

My ex was never very good at being there for me though. I am really good at being there for others, but like most doctors, I make a horrible patient. 

I mentioned earlier that with loss comes reflection and I've had a lot of that over the last month. I have remembered the good and bad of my Grandma. And I've remembered the good and bad of my relationship.

I have had an onset of never ending emotion. I've gone from sad to mad to happy all in the matter of hours sometimes. I can't seem to stop the waves of emotion from coming.

For those of you that have noticed I haven't been myself lately, I haven't. And now maybe you know why. I am pretty good at keeping myself together. I have years of practice keeping my emotions in check, not always to my benefit. But the last month, really the last 6, have been really challenging. They have stirred up more emotion than I know how to process. They have made me question where I am in my life, how I got here, and whether I'm where I'm supposed to be.

Somewhere inside me I know that God doesn't give you more than you can handle.

Somewhere inside me I know that I am strong and will always find my way. 

Somewhere inside me I know that there is always a greater plan afoot.

But sometimes fear and doubt take over and get the best of me. 

Since I like to end with a quote this one is about as appropriate as it gets...

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's Learning to Dance in the Rain."

Chevron Wall Art

I decided in a late New Years resolution to do more creative projects, so I started with a painting for our guest room. And I decided I would blog it and share it. I don't have pictures of all of my steps, so I'll write them out instead. 

1. I painted the entire canvas with: Artist's Loft - Metallic White, 2 coats

2. I used Frog Tape Delicate and made Chevron stripes. I didn't measure...I just eyeballed it. 

3. I painted all but one stripe with: Artist's Loft - Grey, 2 coats. I painted one stripe with a mix of Artist's Loft - Phthalo Green and Metallic White, 2 coats. 

This is the result of the first 3 steps

4. I used Frog Tape and taped the top of the painting so that I could paint the edges with: Artist's Loft -  Metallic Black, 2 coats. 

5. I sealed the painting with: Liquitex Satin Varnish, 2 coats. 

The end result...

There are some tape runs, and it's not perfect, but I have to remind myself that nothing is perfect and I made it and enjoyed using my creativity again. Can't wait for the walls to be painted in our guest room and to hang the painting in the spot I envisioned it for. I'll post a final picture when it gets there. Until then...enjoy! And don't be afraid to use your own creativity. 

This is my life now

I got a late night (for me these days) craving for grilled cheese tonight. So I decided to indulge myself. As I sat on the counter eating it, straight ahead was the Charicature that I had done of Nate and I for Valentine's Day last year. I couldn't help but think "those people were happy." It made me cry because as I sat there I thought about the fact that I have no idea where he is or when he'll be back. This is my life now. 

Almost 14 months into our relationship and I barely recognize the person I'm no longer sharing a bed with. The person who stared at me from day one at the club. The one who every time he caught my eye would wink and smile awkwardly. The guy who used to be obsessed with me, made me the happiest girl on Earth. That same guy breaks my heart more and more every day, with every drink, with every minute he avoids facing the truth, dealing with life, dealing with me. He's an addict and I have become his punching bag, the enemy. I want him to be a better person and in his eyes I'm the problem. This is my life now. 

I struggle to figure out when it all started falling apart, where did we go wrong? When did the disease get the best of him and is there anything I could've done to prevent it? I struggle with how I ended up here. What did I do to deserve this treatment, this drama, this pain? And, worst of all, how do I get out?

I've started worrying every minute, of every day when his bottom will come and if he'll survive it. It's inevitable and the only way he'll learn, but what happens next? How do I watch the man I love fall down a rabbit hole that he may not get out of? It's so painful to watch. It eats me alive every day. I know that I should leave our house, move on, let myself heal. But I don't know how to leave someone that clearly needs help, even if he can't see it. 

This is my life now and I'm unsure of exactly how I got here. And where I'm going next.