I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently…and it’s no secret that writing is my healing process. So, I think it’s about time that I let my heart and my head heal a little.
I’ve been going through a rough time recently…well…to be honest the last few years haven’t been that great. I like to think that I hide it pretty well, but there are people that notice. Some are the expected. I know most of us can’t hide much from our Mom’s, but there are a few that even surprise me every now and then. I guess my hard-to-readness doesn’t fool everyone. :) I would like to say, before I complain anymore, that there are highlights in my life. I have met some of the best people at my darkest, roughest times and I definitely owe those people, and everyone that stands by me through all the rough patches, my life. They don’t know how much they really mean to me. I would especially like to thank one person, who shall remain nameless, because recently he has been…indescribable to me. And I just hope that he is around for a very long time.
I like quotes. They’re like song lyrics in a way, which I also like. There are so many of them out there, but when you find the right one it always makes you feel better. My favorite is when you find the perfect song or quote for your exact mood at that moment, and you weren’t even trying…it’s like it just found you. There seem to be quotes or songs, though that always fit a person. I think a song that is eternally mine is Brown Eyed Girl by Van Morrison. My Dad loved that type of music so I grew up listening to it, and I am also the only one of my siblings to get brown eyes. I’ve had random friends tell me that that song reminds them of me. I think if that song reminds you of me, you get me. One of my favorite quotes, especially recently is… “I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.” — Marilyn Monroe. I like to think that I don’t have a lot of “bad times”…I’m not really one of those crazy emotional, moody girls…or I try very hard not to be, but I’m definitely a stubborn, pain in the ass. But I am also probably one of the nicest, most caring people you’ll ever meet (also in my opinion) but if you can’t handle both…well you probably won’t be around too long.
I like to help people. It makes me feel good to be able to fix things, help…just do something. Sometimes I wonder whether I do that too much and whether I need to spend more time fixing myself. I’m admittedly screwed up in ways, I think we all are. And to be honest, I don’t always like to think about the past, the good or the bad in some cases.
One of the biggest problems I have is that I really have no clue what I want to do with my life. I always get ideas, different ones all the time. They don’t always pan out very well though. And I hate school. It was painful enough just getting my Bachelor’s degree. I changed majors 3 times and in the end wasn’t really very happy with the one I finally got a degree in. Then I decided to go back to school for my Master’s and as many of you don’t know that just blew up in my face, but I recently wasn’t overly happy with that either. I don’t dislike learning new things, I just hate the structure of school…it’s just not my thing. I think I could be happy doing a lot of things and nothing all at the same time. I’m not sure I was “made” to do one specific thing, but what does that mean?! I have to have a job…a career…but what? I wish I knew…
Well…since its 3am, my computer is about to die, and I’m about out of things to say I will leave you all with one last quote, one my roommate recently told me is the epitome of me… “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”
Until next time…