Sunday, January 20, 2013

Trying Hard

Today was a very frustrating day on top of what has been a very frustrating month. A month ago today I was fired.  The act of being fired doesn't really get to me any more.  I've been fired enough times by now that the act itself, although never fun, doesn't really bother me.  There usually isn't anything you can do about it, so you go on as life does.  It's what happens after you get fired that I don't think anyone will ever get used to.

I hate looking for jobs, probably because it reminds me that I have no idea what I want to do with my life.  Struggling for money is one of the worst, most frustrating, helpless feelings in your life.  I'm 27 years old and I still can't take care of myself.  In fact I probably did a better job of it when I was 19 than I'm doing now.  It makes me feel like a terrible person, and if I didn't feel bad enough already I can't receive any help from my father without him reminding me that I have no direction.  All help comes with strings, I know, but he's not known for his motivational speaking.

I also hate car problems.  I feel like that is the story of my life these days.  I didn't have a car for two years and it definitely was not sunshine and roses always.  I like being able to get in the car and go wherever I want.  But I would trade repair expenses and stress for bus and cab rides any day.  That is what is so frustrating about today.  I went to my truck brakes.  This is now the second time in a month.  All I can say is, at least I wasn't driving it this time and it's not stuck in Surprise so the tow to the shop will be cheaper (as I say that I create silent panic in my brain because my unemployed self cannot afford any more expenses).  I think by this point I have paid double what I paid for the car in repairs.  Some would consider that good (the truck was cheap), but I consider that to be not worth it.  I, unfortunately, am used to being in situations where I can't do anything about it, so I will just deal and figure it out.  But I can't wait for that conversation with my father...

I think the most frustrating, part of the last month has been the best thing in my life.  I realize that makes no sense, but I'll explain.  3 months ago, today in fact (well...Saturday), I started dating My Future.  Love of my Life sounds I'm going to call him My Future.  He makes me happier than I could ever imagine, no time with him is ever enough, and I'm more grateful for him than he could ever know.  Sounds great right? What could be so frustrating?  I can't help but feel like I'm failing and some how failing him.  I sit at his house on the couch all day while he does things because it's cheaper.  I don't want to waste gas, I don't want to be tempted to spend money.  Sometimes it's hard to be happy even though I have him because the majority of me is a mess.  And that's not fair to him.  And it's not his fault.

I'm lost, I'll admit it.  I've been lost for most of my life I think.  I find things here and there to distract myself, but I'm ultimately still lost.  I've come to terms with the fact that I am not most people.  I don't take the path most traveled.  I learn lessons the hard way.  I'm stubborn.  I'm not going to be a millionaire, don't think I'd want to be.  I'm not a 9 to 5 job person, it's boring.  I can make anything seem like the right thing for a while, but ultimately they're not.  I believe with 100% of my heart that I was meant to be a Mom.  But I also know that right now is not the time.  And I haven't found my second calling in life, who knows, maybe I'll never find it.  I may be lost for a lifetime.

So...trying hard... I'm trying very hard to keep it all together.  I'm trying to find a job, trying to get my vehicle fixed and get it to stay that way.  I'm trying to figure myself out, get my life together, support myself.  I'm trying to be a girlfriend, a friend, a daughter, a sister, etc.  But it's hard and I fail and I feel bad.  There's nothing worse in life than disappointing the ones you love.

Since I'm a big quote person, and because it will make me feel better here are a few...

Courage doesn't always roar.
Sometimes courage is the quiet voice
at the end of the day saying,
"I will try again tomorrow."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.
- Robert Kennedy

Life is a song - sing it.
Life is a game - play it.
Life is a challenge - meet it.
Life is a dream - realize it.
Life is a sacrifice - offer it.
Life is love - enjoy it.
- Sai Baba

Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass...
It's about learning how to dance in the rain.
- Vivian Greene

Being human, we are imperfect. That's why we need each other.
To catch each other when we falter.
To encourage each other when we lose heart.
Some may lead; others may follow; but none of us can go it alone.
- Hilary Clinton

Flatter me, and I may not believe you.
Criticize me, and I may not like you.
Ignore me, and I may not forgive you.
Encourage me, and I will not forget you.
Love me and I may be forced to love you.
- William Arthur Ward

<3 E