Sunday, August 7, 2016

While you drive

It is in the strangest moments at the strangest times that life gives me the greatest understanding.

Life is about the journey, and people can say it and you can hear it but it often doesn't mean anything until you feel it.  That's me.  I learn lessons the hard way.  Always have, always will.

People fascinate me.  I'm a big people watcher.  I think it's because I identify with a lot of different things in people.  There's good, there's evil, addiction, depression, and pain.  But there is also love and kindness, compassion, hope, and understanding.

I struggle a lot with myself.  I find great solace in being alone...listening to my music, doing my errands, driving the way I want, watching my TV shows, having things my way.  But I crave other people.  I love to learn from other people, understand other people, help other people.  I love to make other people happy, I love to be there for them.  I sometimes want to lock myself in a room and talk to no one and yet there are some days I would like nothing more than to be in the middle of a crowd.

I sometimes struggle to find balance.  I find something that works and I go all in, but often too much of a good thing has an adverse effect.  That philosophy applies to, alcohol, relationships, exercise, work.  I have good instincts but I am also impulsive.  I have hurt people's feelings this way, I have been hurt and I have probably missed out on opportunities.

Hindsight is always 2020 and probably not so ironically, my apartment number.  God works in mysterious ways right?

I did not want to move in here...but I knew I had to, so I trusted in the opportunity that presented itself when I needed a sign, and in the last 14 months I have realized just how much I needed this place.  Living alone has certainly been hard but it has given me a renewed faith in myself, and that was something I had no idea I needed.

I still always hope to find a companion on my journey through life.  Someone that wants to be by my side through it all.  I'm still searching for my 'Happy Ever After'...but for the time being I'll have to settle for moments of extreme clarity.  Moments that remind me that life is a journey and you can't forget to take in both the sunrises and sunsets while you drive.

"May every Sunrise hold more Promise and every Sunset hold more Peace"

<3 E

Wednesday, August 3, 2016

Despite it all

Despite it all...
I still wish you could be next to me during my loneliest moments,
You will forever be the scar that I wear upon my heart.

My life is better without you,
I am better without you.
But there's still a piece of my heart that won't let you go.

Despite it all...
I wish you were my big spoon when all I want is to be held,
You will forever be the scar that I wear upon my heart.

I refuse to forget you and pretend you don't exist,
I just wish my heart could get over,
Both the pain and the pleasure it once felt.

Despite it all.