Monday, September 10, 2012

The Contents of My Life

I haven't blogged in a while.  There has been a lot going on, and even more going on in my head.  So it's probably about time I get some of it out of my head and into a blog.

The topic of Home has been stirring around in my head as of late.  No matter what was going on at previous points of my life, the chaos, the disappointments, the norms of every day life.  I have always had a place to retreat to.  A home.  I think that is very important, to me anyway, to have a place you feel safe.  A place where you are surrounded by your belongings.  A place you can hide out.  A place that is yours.

I've been struggling a lot with this lately.  I have a place to stay, a place I feel safe, but it's not mine.  And what makes it not mine is the suitcase filled with my clothes at the end of the bed, the shower supplies in the closet, the 3 pairs of shoes I have to choose from: work shoes, chucks, and flip flops.  I'm more grateful than I could ever express for the roof that's over my head, and the person who is providing it for me.  But I feel very lost right now.  Lost for many reasons, but instead of a place to call my own, I have a room with my belongings in it.  I went to the storage unit, which is housing the rest of my belongings, the other week; it made me incredibly sad.  I stood at the door of the storage unit and looked over everything I owned.  And I could barely get to any of it.  It was all there in front of me, and I couldn't have it.  It makes me tear up a little bit, just thinking about it.

I'm not very materialistic, I don't need stuff to make me happy, but at the same time the contents of my life are in a 10x17 box right now.  Everything that I have worked for, saved for, been gifted, all my memories are behind a garage door.  I can't wear any other clothes than the ones that are in my suit case (most of which don't even fit me right now), I can't have any other pairs of shoes, I can't watch a DVD I own, I can't do anything but just look at everything.

I'm frustrated.  I don't like to place blame on others, so I won't.  But I work hard, I always do what I can to help others out.  And here I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.  I never put me first, it's a flaw I have for sure, one that won't soon go away.  But I also feel too many people in this world are only concerned with themselves.  They never put anyone else first.  It's one of our worst problems in America I think, we forgot what it's like to look out for others.

I do this to myself.  I put myself in these positions where in the end I always get screwed, because I put my faith in others and I put them before myself.  And I'll work hard some more, I'll put my head down and figure it out (not without a little help, of course).  I always do.  Sometimes I just need a little reminder.

Well....enough from me for now, but I do have to end with a quote:

"You never know how strong you are...until being strong is the only choice you have."

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