Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Now What?

There has been a lot on my mind recently, and I can't figure it all out.  I'm not entirely sure how I'm suppose to feel.

A few weeks ago something I never imagined would happen to me, happened.  And because of it I lost a very close friend.  After the 'incident' I knew what I had to do, and I did it.  I'm a strong person, woman, and I deserve more, better.  I don't regret my decision to leave and walk away, it was the right thing.  But I can't help but think "now what?"

I can't help but think that I failed.  I let things go too far, I involved too many people, and now more than ever I feel stuck.  I feel as though I have dug myself too deep of a hole.  I know with a lot of hard work I'll climb out, and I know that I will be fine and my friends and family will be there for me.  But I feel very guilty right now.  I've involved a lot of people in a decision and a life that they didn't need to be a part of.  It's because of how much they care for me that they are involved as well.  I cared about another person more than I cared about myself, and because of that the people who really love and care about me are being burdened.

I'm starting over, which isn't new for me.  But the only thing I have in which to start over is a vehicle, something that wasn't even my idea...but it became my responsibility.  I'm grateful for the vehicle, previously I had been without one for two years.  But currently it's a burden I'm putting on other people as well, which just makes me feel guilty again.

I hate depending on other people, I've done it before, everyone needs help, everyone has hard times.  But this time I did it with my own decisions.  I got myself fired, I agreed to help a friend, and I let things get SO out of control that I've been homeless for 3 months.  My things are in storage, I have had to buy clothes to go to interviews, buy new jeans to fit me because I've lost so much weight that nothing I have fits me.  And I can't afford anything.  For a long time I thought I had it all under control.  It was difficult, things never got easier, but I was going to figure it out.  I am officially willing to admit that I lost control...months ago.

Yes, I know I'm going to be fine.  Everyone keeps hovering around me like I need to be rescued.  And in all honesty I probably do.  But I don't want to be.  I don't want more help.  I've asked for too much.  I was too stubborn for too long and I got hurt.

I feel very lost, I don't know where to go, I don't know what the right decision is.  I don't even know what I want.  So...now what?

I'm sorry to those that I have burdened, I'm sorry for being stubborn, I'm sorry for dragging you all into to this.  I love you for loving me!  And I promise to make it all better, somehow, someday.

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