Monday, October 26, 2015

Learning to Dance in the Rain

The thing about grief, depression, and loss is that they are different for everyone. No two people deal with them the same and yet we will all experience them at some point in our lives.

In my opinion those 3 things are some of the hardest emotionally to deal with. And not only are they hard on the person going through them but they are hard on the people around that person. 

I don't claim to be an expert on the subject, in fact I've been dealing with a bout of all 3 for the last 6 months.

In the midst of some emotional relationship turmoil I lost my Grandma, the only one I've ever known. And it took me about a week to process and grieve her death, if not more. And I still don't claim to have totally accepted it, if I'm being honest. The last month since has been one of the hardest in a really long time. Not necessarily because of her death, she was after all 91, but I think with loss comes reflection and an evaluation of your life. And that is where I'm struggling. 

For 2 years I have been in a slightly on again, off again relationship. We haven't seen or talked to each other in a month now, but I'm not convinced this is the end. And if I'm being honest, I'm not sure I want it to be the end. I should, but I don't. 

We lived together for a year when I moved out. It was the right thing. Our relationship had become volatile. He struggles with what I call "growing up" but others would call commitment and letting go of his single life, among other things.

After I moved out it was even more of a roller coaster. And above everything else it was really emotionally draining for me. I still love him, despite having my heart crushed a few times. I still think that under all the superficial crap he hides behind that he is the one. But I can't make him change. I can't make him step up. I have had to stand my ground and let my head prevail when my heart doesn't want to let go. 2 days before my Grandma died I had to tell him not to call me anymore.

I live 2,000 miles away from most of my family and when I got the phone call from my Dad that my Grandma had passed, peacefully in her sleep, I couldn't call the one person I wanted to. There was no one there to hug, no one to be my rock.  Instead I went about my day and worked two jobs. I worked every day until the day I left for Illinois and two days later I was back and went to work straight off the plane. I was there for my family, my sister, my Dad and that was important to them and to me. But it was hard, hard to be there for others without someone being there for me.

My ex was never very good at being there for me though. I am really good at being there for others, but like most doctors, I make a horrible patient. 

I mentioned earlier that with loss comes reflection and I've had a lot of that over the last month. I have remembered the good and bad of my Grandma. And I've remembered the good and bad of my relationship.

I have had an onset of never ending emotion. I've gone from sad to mad to happy all in the matter of hours sometimes. I can't seem to stop the waves of emotion from coming.

For those of you that have noticed I haven't been myself lately, I haven't. And now maybe you know why. I am pretty good at keeping myself together. I have years of practice keeping my emotions in check, not always to my benefit. But the last month, really the last 6, have been really challenging. They have stirred up more emotion than I know how to process. They have made me question where I am in my life, how I got here, and whether I'm where I'm supposed to be.

Somewhere inside me I know that God doesn't give you more than you can handle.

Somewhere inside me I know that I am strong and will always find my way. 

Somewhere inside me I know that there is always a greater plan afoot.

But sometimes fear and doubt take over and get the best of me. 

Since I like to end with a quote this one is about as appropriate as it gets...

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's Learning to Dance in the Rain."

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