Me

I may have a blog, facebook, foursquare, and twitter that seem to broadcast my personal life and where-a-bouts, but despite what you might think, I keep a lot of things to myself.  It's hard for me to let people in, to let people know how I really feel, to trust people.  I'm always amazed when random people can read me, and there are a few out there that can, and that care to.

I have a couple who are regulars at work, and they want me to serve them every time.  I saw them the other night after a few weeks and they were wondering where I had been.  They had been in a few times and hadn't seen me, so they were pleasantly surprised when I walked in to work, just as they were being seated.  It always makes me feel special when they walk in the door and want no one but me.  Anyway, she looked at me the other night and said "you seem bored" and she's right.  I was amazed that she seemed to just know, but that mother's intuition will get you every time.

I'm kind of tired of feeling like my life is going no where.  I have pretty much decided that I don't want a career that is going to interfere with my ability to be a mother, when I get to that point, I'm not a 9-5 job kind of person. I don't see myself doing one thing for the rest of my life, except being a mother.  I've always wanted to be a mom, ever since I can remember.  I don't want to get ahead of myself, but I'm tired of coming home to a house I really don't enjoy being in to hang out by myself.  I'm tired of hiding in my room, because I don't want to watch whatever god awful show is playing in the living room.  I'm tired of finding guys that are interested in me while I'm not so sure about my feelings for them.

I'm picky when it comes to guys and relationships.  But I'm tired of making excuses to people for why I don't want to date them, I'm tired of play "coy" about the whole thing.  I hate hurting peoples feelings, but when I know I like someone I just know.  And I don't know that I feel that way, about a lot of people.  I want to find someone who is right for me.  Who likes me as much as I like them.  Someone who wants a future, who cares about my story, where I've been and where I'm going.  I'm tired of being by myself all the time, having nothing to look forward to.

I'm sure I'm just having a bad day, and my mood will be better tomorrow.   But at least you got some insight about me in the meantime.  Thanks for listening/reading.

G'night world!

<3 E

Decisions

Our lives are filled with decisions that need to be made.  Some small, what am I going to eat today?  Some larger, what do I want to be when I grow up?  Is this the person I am meant to spend the rest of my life with?

It seems as though the older we get the more difficult the decisions become, the more complicated it all is.  There isn't always a clear choice, a perfect right or wrong, black or white.  So what do we do?  Do we stay in a marriage we are unhappy in because of our children, do we leave a job we like to try and find something with better money, do we hold out hope that the guy we love will give up his life for us?  To be honest, I don't know what the right answer is.  I'm not sure any one does.

At some point in our lives we are going to hurt people we care about because of a decision that we make.  Unfortunately, it is impossible in life to please everyone and yourself with every decision.  I am very much about giving to others, caring for others, and respecting others.  But sometimes in life the harder decisions cannot be made with other people in mind.  At the end of the day you cannot live your life for other people, you have to live it for yourself.  I have struggled a lot with this concept, I still do, but I cannot always make other people happy.  I deserve to be happy too.  And I'm the one in charge of making myself happy, I cannot expect others to do it for me.

I know I'm not over the hardest decisions in my life, there are more to come.  Some of the closest people to me are going through hard times right now trying to decide what to do.  And I'm sure there are millions more out there trying to make a complicated decision.  Just know that it's not fair to you or anyone involved to live unhappily.  Everyone deserves to be happy, no matter what makes you happy.  And there is always someone that will be there to stand behind you in your toughest decisions.

"Happiness depends on ourselves" -Aristotle.

"Nothing is more difficult, and therefore more precious, than to decide." -Napoleon Bonaparte.

"People are like stained glass windows, they sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when darkness sets in, their true beauty is only seen if there is a light within." -Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

I love quotes and thought that was a perfect way to end this post.  Enjoy <3's!