Big Hearts are a lot to carry

Big Hearts are a lot to carry.  I ran into a friend tonight who said those words to me, and they really stuck.  They seemed to be the words that I couldn't come up with myself, but ones that I have been desperately searching for.

I wouldn't change having a big heart for anything.  I love being a very caring, genuine person.  Having a big heart has brought me a lot of joy in my life, but it has also brought me a lot of pain.  If I could take away the pain that I feel, the pain that I have taken on for others, I would.

I often think about my purpose in life.  I frankly am less focused on jobs and careers I'm suppose to have and more focused on what my purpose is in life.  I have always felt like I was meant to be a Mom and this year I became one.  There are definitely good days and bad days, days I feel like a failure and days I can't believe I'm so lucky.  I feel a sense of purpose when it comes to her, I am her Mom, it is my job to be there for her.  I feel a sense of purpose when it comes to the boys I nanny for as well.  They're not all good days, but those boys bring me a lot of joy and they keep me going, even on the hard days.  I think those are some of the reasons for my big heart, I have a lot of love to give.  I do wonder what purpose the pain of having a big heart brings though.  I seem to absorb other's pain.  I try to take their pain away, and yet it causes me more pain in the end.  The older I have gotten, the more I have realized that I cannot fix other people, I cannot heal them.  And yet something inside me seems to attract the broken.  I am broken too, I know that, and I know only I can heal myself.  But the broken and damaged seem to find me, they make me feel special and I let my guard down.  I let them in and then they take advantage of my big heart and they dump their emotional baggage on top of me and expect me to carry the load.

I was clearly given a big heart for a reason, and I won't change.  I will never stop caring about other people more than myself (although making more time for self-love would be good for me).  I will never stop being there for other people when they need it the most.  But I do hope that one day I find someone who will not expect me to carry their damage as well as my own.  That's all I want, someone to help carry the load because life is certainly not easy.

"Her love was the kind that movies wished they could recreate.  With a big heart, that love was only meant for someone strong enough to handle it's weight.  Her love wasn't for everyone." -r.h. Sin

<3 E