Although I am not feeling particularly festive this year, I do have a story about my favorite Christmas movie for you.
Every year when we were on Christmas Break my Mom would take us to 'The Video Store' (I don't even remember it's real name anymore). For older movies they had this deal called 5 movies, 5 days, $5. And we were allowed to go and collectively pick 5 movies that we could watch while we were on break. We did this for years. EVERY year I wanted to get Prancer, it's my favorite Christmas movie. I have NO idea where I got this obsession with this movie, but I love it!
I don't think I'd seen it in a couple years, except for when it came on TV, after I went away to college, but my Mom a few years ago found it on DVD, so I now own the movie. It'll forever be my favorite! I'm actually really looking forward to watching it this year. It's one of the only things I really want to do on Christmas.
Well that's my Christmas Story for you all...G'night my <3's and Merry Christmas!
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Home for the Holidays - or Not
Despite the fact that I moved 2,000 miles away from all my family and friends to go to college about 8 years ago, there are still very few moments over the course of those 8 years that I can say I was legitimately homesick. It's not that I don't miss my family and friends, I do. But I cherish the life I have made for myself out here, and cherish the moments I get to spend back in Illinois with them, when I have the chance, even more.
The first time I remember being homesick was my Aunt's memorial. Every single one of my Aunts, Uncles and Cousins were there except me. I felt bad that I was the only one missing, but it's what I have learned to live with. Sometimes you miss out on important moments, but you do the best you can. And the people that love you will understand.
This will be my first Christmas away from home, and while I can honestly say I will NOT miss having a White Christmas, I could care less about snow and cold weather. I will, however, miss my family! Every family comes with drama, and mine is no different, especially around the holidays. But I want them to know that I already miss them very much and wish I was there to celebrate with them. Growing up isn't all it's cracked up to be...and neither is this homesick feeling.
<3
The first time I remember being homesick was my Aunt's memorial. Every single one of my Aunts, Uncles and Cousins were there except me. I felt bad that I was the only one missing, but it's what I have learned to live with. Sometimes you miss out on important moments, but you do the best you can. And the people that love you will understand.
This will be my first Christmas away from home, and while I can honestly say I will NOT miss having a White Christmas, I could care less about snow and cold weather. I will, however, miss my family! Every family comes with drama, and mine is no different, especially around the holidays. But I want them to know that I already miss them very much and wish I was there to celebrate with them. Growing up isn't all it's cracked up to be...and neither is this homesick feeling.
Anyway...
Merry early Christmas to all my friends and family in Illinois, Ohio, and wherever else you are. I love you all VERY much!!
<3
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Letting Go
Any time a relationship ends there is usually more emotional damage than physical damage. Or at least one would hope. The emotional damage is hard to deal with, sometimes you don't even realize that you have any until something triggers it.
It doesn't matter what your role was in the relationship: girlfriend, husband, child, no one is immune. I think in one way or another everyone out there has emotional damage. Gone are the days where we live happily ever after. There are no real fairy tales these days. People break-up, parents get divorced, tragedy strikes. And emotional damage becomes apart of us, something we can't really explain, something we hide.
I like to think that I do a good job of hiding my emotional damage. It's not something I enjoy talking about, so I keep it to myself a lot. But by doing so I push some people away. I don't let them get close to me because I fear they won't like what's underneath. So I make people work for it, I make people put effort into finding out who I really am and what makes me, me. Right or wrong I'm not sure, I'm sure you could argue both cases. But that's what I do.
My sister has some emotional damage as well, probably a little more than me. She's a little more famous for wearing her heart on her sleeve, although she might beg to differ. However, it's difficult for both of us to let people in. Tonight in a conversation about this subject she said to me, "Yeah, well I guess we'll have to let go." And as simple as it sounds, she is right. We will. We all will, every single one of us that walks around with emotional damage hidden somewhere, will have to learn to let go. Because...Wayne Gretzky's quote fits well here: "You'll always miss 100% of the shots you don't take."
Also...
Enjoy <3
It doesn't matter what your role was in the relationship: girlfriend, husband, child, no one is immune. I think in one way or another everyone out there has emotional damage. Gone are the days where we live happily ever after. There are no real fairy tales these days. People break-up, parents get divorced, tragedy strikes. And emotional damage becomes apart of us, something we can't really explain, something we hide.
I like to think that I do a good job of hiding my emotional damage. It's not something I enjoy talking about, so I keep it to myself a lot. But by doing so I push some people away. I don't let them get close to me because I fear they won't like what's underneath. So I make people work for it, I make people put effort into finding out who I really am and what makes me, me. Right or wrong I'm not sure, I'm sure you could argue both cases. But that's what I do.
My sister has some emotional damage as well, probably a little more than me. She's a little more famous for wearing her heart on her sleeve, although she might beg to differ. However, it's difficult for both of us to let people in. Tonight in a conversation about this subject she said to me, "Yeah, well I guess we'll have to let go." And as simple as it sounds, she is right. We will. We all will, every single one of us that walks around with emotional damage hidden somewhere, will have to learn to let go. Because...Wayne Gretzky's quote fits well here: "You'll always miss 100% of the shots you don't take."
Also...
Enjoy <3
Monday, November 28, 2011
Me
I may have a blog, facebook, foursquare, and twitter that seem to broadcast my personal life and where-a-bouts, but despite what you might think, I keep a lot of things to myself. It's hard for me to let people in, to let people know how I really feel, to trust people. I'm always amazed when random people can read me, and there are a few out there that can, and that care to.
I have a couple who are regulars at work, and they want me to serve them every time. I saw them the other night after a few weeks and they were wondering where I had been. They had been in a few times and hadn't seen me, so they were pleasantly surprised when I walked in to work, just as they were being seated. It always makes me feel special when they walk in the door and want no one but me. Anyway, she looked at me the other night and said "you seem bored" and she's right. I was amazed that she seemed to just know, but that mother's intuition will get you every time.
I'm kind of tired of feeling like my life is going no where. I have pretty much decided that I don't want a career that is going to interfere with my ability to be a mother, when I get to that point, I'm not a 9-5 job kind of person. I don't see myself doing one thing for the rest of my life, except being a mother. I've always wanted to be a mom, ever since I can remember. I don't want to get ahead of myself, but I'm tired of coming home to a house I really don't enjoy being in to hang out by myself. I'm tired of hiding in my room, because I don't want to watch whatever god awful show is playing in the living room. I'm tired of finding guys that are interested in me while I'm not so sure about my feelings for them.
I'm picky when it comes to guys and relationships. But I'm tired of making excuses to people for why I don't want to date them, I'm tired of play "coy" about the whole thing. I hate hurting peoples feelings, but when I know I like someone I just know. And I don't know that I feel that way, about a lot of people. I want to find someone who is right for me. Who likes me as much as I like them. Someone who wants a future, who cares about my story, where I've been and where I'm going. I'm tired of being by myself all the time, having nothing to look forward to.
I'm sure I'm just having a bad day, and my mood will be better tomorrow. But at least you got some insight about me in the meantime. Thanks for listening/reading.
G'night world!
<3 E
I have a couple who are regulars at work, and they want me to serve them every time. I saw them the other night after a few weeks and they were wondering where I had been. They had been in a few times and hadn't seen me, so they were pleasantly surprised when I walked in to work, just as they were being seated. It always makes me feel special when they walk in the door and want no one but me. Anyway, she looked at me the other night and said "you seem bored" and she's right. I was amazed that she seemed to just know, but that mother's intuition will get you every time.
I'm kind of tired of feeling like my life is going no where. I have pretty much decided that I don't want a career that is going to interfere with my ability to be a mother, when I get to that point, I'm not a 9-5 job kind of person. I don't see myself doing one thing for the rest of my life, except being a mother. I've always wanted to be a mom, ever since I can remember. I don't want to get ahead of myself, but I'm tired of coming home to a house I really don't enjoy being in to hang out by myself. I'm tired of hiding in my room, because I don't want to watch whatever god awful show is playing in the living room. I'm tired of finding guys that are interested in me while I'm not so sure about my feelings for them.
I'm picky when it comes to guys and relationships. But I'm tired of making excuses to people for why I don't want to date them, I'm tired of play "coy" about the whole thing. I hate hurting peoples feelings, but when I know I like someone I just know. And I don't know that I feel that way, about a lot of people. I want to find someone who is right for me. Who likes me as much as I like them. Someone who wants a future, who cares about my story, where I've been and where I'm going. I'm tired of being by myself all the time, having nothing to look forward to.
I'm sure I'm just having a bad day, and my mood will be better tomorrow. But at least you got some insight about me in the meantime. Thanks for listening/reading.
G'night world!
<3 E
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Decisions
Our lives are filled with decisions that need to be made. Some small, what am I going to eat today? Some larger, what do I want to be when I grow up? Is this the person I am meant to spend the rest of my life with?
It seems as though the older we get the more difficult the decisions become, the more complicated it all is. There isn't always a clear choice, a perfect right or wrong, black or white. So what do we do? Do we stay in a marriage we are unhappy in because of our children, do we leave a job we like to try and find something with better money, do we hold out hope that the guy we love will give up his life for us? To be honest, I don't know what the right answer is. I'm not sure any one does.
At some point in our lives we are going to hurt people we care about because of a decision that we make. Unfortunately, it is impossible in life to please everyone and yourself with every decision. I am very much about giving to others, caring for others, and respecting others. But sometimes in life the harder decisions cannot be made with other people in mind. At the end of the day you cannot live your life for other people, you have to live it for yourself. I have struggled a lot with this concept, I still do, but I cannot always make other people happy. I deserve to be happy too. And I'm the one in charge of making myself happy, I cannot expect others to do it for me.
I know I'm not over the hardest decisions in my life, there are more to come. Some of the closest people to me are going through hard times right now trying to decide what to do. And I'm sure there are millions more out there trying to make a complicated decision. Just know that it's not fair to you or anyone involved to live unhappily. Everyone deserves to be happy, no matter what makes you happy. And there is always someone that will be there to stand behind you in your toughest decisions.
It seems as though the older we get the more difficult the decisions become, the more complicated it all is. There isn't always a clear choice, a perfect right or wrong, black or white. So what do we do? Do we stay in a marriage we are unhappy in because of our children, do we leave a job we like to try and find something with better money, do we hold out hope that the guy we love will give up his life for us? To be honest, I don't know what the right answer is. I'm not sure any one does.
At some point in our lives we are going to hurt people we care about because of a decision that we make. Unfortunately, it is impossible in life to please everyone and yourself with every decision. I am very much about giving to others, caring for others, and respecting others. But sometimes in life the harder decisions cannot be made with other people in mind. At the end of the day you cannot live your life for other people, you have to live it for yourself. I have struggled a lot with this concept, I still do, but I cannot always make other people happy. I deserve to be happy too. And I'm the one in charge of making myself happy, I cannot expect others to do it for me.
I know I'm not over the hardest decisions in my life, there are more to come. Some of the closest people to me are going through hard times right now trying to decide what to do. And I'm sure there are millions more out there trying to make a complicated decision. Just know that it's not fair to you or anyone involved to live unhappily. Everyone deserves to be happy, no matter what makes you happy. And there is always someone that will be there to stand behind you in your toughest decisions.
"Happiness depends on ourselves" -Aristotle.
"Nothing is more difficult, and therefore more precious, than to decide." -Napoleon Bonaparte.
"People are like stained glass windows, they sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when darkness sets in, their true beauty is only seen if there is a light within." -Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
I love quotes and thought that was a perfect way to end this post. Enjoy <3's!
Friday, October 21, 2011
Why you Will or Won't want to Date Me
The following is an anonymous comment I received on my I Don't Let Myself blog from earlier today. I liked it so much I thought I'd give it its own blog. It's mostly true, not all...but mostly. I always find it interesting to see how true astrological type personality classifications can be. Maybe we should give these things to people we meet...it'd save us a lot of wasted time dating. Enjoy...
What it's like to date a Gemini Woman:
The Gemini woman is truly enchanting. However, dating her might feel more like a friendship then a real relationship due to her casual nature. This is not necessarily a disadvantage, for the casual man who shy's away from overly romantic emotions, she is the perfect woman. Since she is the astrology sign of the duality, she offers quite the challenge. On one hand, she needs to be nurtured, loved and catered to and on the other hand, she needs stimulation and novelty. She is very demanding and if you do not provide what she wants, she will be off onto the next adventure pretty quickly. To keep her interested is a challenge, not completely impossible so she is the perfect woman for the man who likes stimulation and a challenge. She needs a partner with a quick mind, she tends to poke and prod at the emotions and the minds of those who are mentally slower then her, make sure you can keep up with her wit or you will briskly be left behind. She is prone to keeping men on a string, not completely heartlessly, she is evaluating if the man is worth her attention and her time. She has no time to waste with a dull man. Once you have her approval, she can easily become jealous. The reason for her is jealousy is that if she is going to open up to a man, when she rarely completely opens up to anyone, she does not want to risk being deceived or hurt. If you are with a Gemini woman and she becomes jealous, you are on the right track to true love! Gemini women are so exciting that they are worth the effort, you will remember her forever!
How to Attract Gemini:
Love to talk, that is the first rule about impressing a Gemini. Be knowledgeable about what you talk about too because Gemini are intelligent and have lots of knowledge about many things. If you are an expert on a certain topic, teach them about it, you will impress them because this know-it-all sign does not usually know fine details about a lot of things, they are too busy to bother to learn. Speak your mind, engage them in a friendly debate but never be too conservative, they find this dull. Be honest and loyal to a Gemini, once they have had their trust broken they usually will never get it back again. Gemini are easy to date, they will do any activity anywhere. Just have fun, like you would with a friend because that's what Gemini are, a great friend.
Gemini and Independence:
Gemini are extremely independent. They will not be pinned down by anyone or any rules. They need to experience the world on their own. Change and freedom are extremely important to Gemini, they will never let anyone dictate them, they are extremely independent and freedom is essential to their mental well being.
Gemini and Friendship:
Gemini make very interesting and exciting friends. They like to leave their mark on everyone they meet. They are very flighty and will disappear for a long time as they meet new friends and explore new places. But when they come back, they will have new thoughts, opinions and interesting things to share and ideas to teach. Life is very interesting and fun with a Gemini friend. If you need any advice, Gemini is the one to ask. They are masters of communication and they can help you get what you need by helping you with persuasion and enthusiasm, and they give good advice too. Do not however, bog a Gemini down with all of your emotional problems, they are not one to deal with it because it depresses them and steps on their freedom if you need too much long term help, support and follow up. A Gemini friend can fill you in with the latest gossip and if you love conversation, the Gemini delivers! They are very generous with their friends, they will spend lots of time with you and share everything with you. Even though Gemini is a social butterfly, they always need time for themselves and that should be respected.
What it's like to date a Gemini Woman:
The Gemini woman is truly enchanting. However, dating her might feel more like a friendship then a real relationship due to her casual nature. This is not necessarily a disadvantage, for the casual man who shy's away from overly romantic emotions, she is the perfect woman. Since she is the astrology sign of the duality, she offers quite the challenge. On one hand, she needs to be nurtured, loved and catered to and on the other hand, she needs stimulation and novelty. She is very demanding and if you do not provide what she wants, she will be off onto the next adventure pretty quickly. To keep her interested is a challenge, not completely impossible so she is the perfect woman for the man who likes stimulation and a challenge. She needs a partner with a quick mind, she tends to poke and prod at the emotions and the minds of those who are mentally slower then her, make sure you can keep up with her wit or you will briskly be left behind. She is prone to keeping men on a string, not completely heartlessly, she is evaluating if the man is worth her attention and her time. She has no time to waste with a dull man. Once you have her approval, she can easily become jealous. The reason for her is jealousy is that if she is going to open up to a man, when she rarely completely opens up to anyone, she does not want to risk being deceived or hurt. If you are with a Gemini woman and she becomes jealous, you are on the right track to true love! Gemini women are so exciting that they are worth the effort, you will remember her forever!
How to Attract Gemini:
Love to talk, that is the first rule about impressing a Gemini. Be knowledgeable about what you talk about too because Gemini are intelligent and have lots of knowledge about many things. If you are an expert on a certain topic, teach them about it, you will impress them because this know-it-all sign does not usually know fine details about a lot of things, they are too busy to bother to learn. Speak your mind, engage them in a friendly debate but never be too conservative, they find this dull. Be honest and loyal to a Gemini, once they have had their trust broken they usually will never get it back again. Gemini are easy to date, they will do any activity anywhere. Just have fun, like you would with a friend because that's what Gemini are, a great friend.
Gemini and Independence:
Gemini are extremely independent. They will not be pinned down by anyone or any rules. They need to experience the world on their own. Change and freedom are extremely important to Gemini, they will never let anyone dictate them, they are extremely independent and freedom is essential to their mental well being.
Gemini and Friendship:
Gemini make very interesting and exciting friends. They like to leave their mark on everyone they meet. They are very flighty and will disappear for a long time as they meet new friends and explore new places. But when they come back, they will have new thoughts, opinions and interesting things to share and ideas to teach. Life is very interesting and fun with a Gemini friend. If you need any advice, Gemini is the one to ask. They are masters of communication and they can help you get what you need by helping you with persuasion and enthusiasm, and they give good advice too. Do not however, bog a Gemini down with all of your emotional problems, they are not one to deal with it because it depresses them and steps on their freedom if you need too much long term help, support and follow up. A Gemini friend can fill you in with the latest gossip and if you love conversation, the Gemini delivers! They are very generous with their friends, they will spend lots of time with you and share everything with you. Even though Gemini is a social butterfly, they always need time for themselves and that should be respected.
I Don't Let Myself
I don't really let myself like many guys. I don't know why, but most of the time when I meet a guy I get to the "you annoy me" stage faster than the "I like you" stage. Which sometimes results in really bad timing when they get to the "I like you" stage and I've reached the "you annoy me" stage.
I hear all the time "why don't you have a boyfriend?" Most of the time my answer is "I get tired of them" or "I get annoyed with them". It sounds dumb, but it's true. I'm very good at being friends with guys because I'm not trying to date and marry them, so whatever tendencies or traits they have that I might find annoying in a boyfriend, don't bug me as a friend. I'm extremely picky and I'm even more guarded; it takes a lot for me to let you in. Most people tell me that they don't know what I'm thinking. Sometimes I wish they would because I think I get misunderstood in certain situations. But sometimes I think that "not knowing what I'm thinking" is my defense mechanism.
Somewhat on the contrary I'm a very caring person. I care deeply about a lot of people in my life. Caring that much sometimes gets me into trouble. I have a very Mom-like persona. I like to help, I like to care for people and therefore I worry about people. Disappointment is part of life. You can't change people, something I know but am continuously reminded. Sometimes the people you care most about in life, disappoint you, it's part of the ups and downs of every relationship no matter the nature of that relationship.
Life isn't perfect and neither are we. We all have moments of pure joy and absolute heartbreak. We all need to smile and laugh, fall down and cry.
I hope eventually we all let someone in who makes us wonder how we lived without them, even me.
<3
I hear all the time "why don't you have a boyfriend?" Most of the time my answer is "I get tired of them" or "I get annoyed with them". It sounds dumb, but it's true. I'm very good at being friends with guys because I'm not trying to date and marry them, so whatever tendencies or traits they have that I might find annoying in a boyfriend, don't bug me as a friend. I'm extremely picky and I'm even more guarded; it takes a lot for me to let you in. Most people tell me that they don't know what I'm thinking. Sometimes I wish they would because I think I get misunderstood in certain situations. But sometimes I think that "not knowing what I'm thinking" is my defense mechanism.
Somewhat on the contrary I'm a very caring person. I care deeply about a lot of people in my life. Caring that much sometimes gets me into trouble. I have a very Mom-like persona. I like to help, I like to care for people and therefore I worry about people. Disappointment is part of life. You can't change people, something I know but am continuously reminded. Sometimes the people you care most about in life, disappoint you, it's part of the ups and downs of every relationship no matter the nature of that relationship.
Life isn't perfect and neither are we. We all have moments of pure joy and absolute heartbreak. We all need to smile and laugh, fall down and cry.
I hope eventually we all let someone in who makes us wonder how we lived without them, even me.
<3
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)