1 year

1 year. Seems like a long time and yet so short all at the same time. I feel like I'm the only one dwelling on it, but I've never been with any one for a whole year. I'm 29 years old  and I've never managed to date anyone for a whole year. It's such an accomplishment for me and I'm proud of myself and no one cares. 

It sounds like a weird thing to say, I'm proud of myself for being in a relationship for a year. But I've never been a relationship person. There's been a lot of people over the years that I'm sure would've jumped at the opportunity. There probably still are. But I'm picky. Always have been. And yet, I don't always choose wisely. I've had my heart broken. And I know I've broken a few too.

I grew up learning from a relationship that wasn't good. I wouldn't want to put my kids through what I went through. My parents didn't really get along. They tolerated each other for most of my life. They stopped doing the things most couples do early in my memory, hold hands, kiss, hug, go on dates, etc. I grew up knowing that the only reason my parents were still together was because of us kids. That's a hard thing to know. And it's effected each of us differently. 

I have grown up being terrified of having a relationship like my parents. Which is why for most of my life I have preferred to be in non-labeled relationships. If I can't define them, then they aren't a relationship and it can't hurt me as bad when it's over. Of course, that never worked. But it didn't stop me from trying. At some point every labeled or non-labeled relationship came to an end. Sometimes I cried, sometimes I didn't. Sometimes I ended it, sometimes I didn't. I learned through each one, didn't always change. 

I did eventually gain some self awareness and try to pick better relationships. Still didn't really work. I have an impossible need to fix people. It's my nurturing, mothering nature. I've tried to control it, but it's hard. I learned this the hard way in one of my defined relationships. I let him walk all over me and I tried to be his everything. In the end I was broken hearted and had gotten a DUI. But I have no ill feelings. It was a lesson I needed to learn the hard way. I was headed down a path that could only end badly. And I learned that we had a very co-dependent relationship and it wasn't healthy. So life went on. And after a few, very difficult years, I ended up in another defined relationship. This one was  pretty life changing. I still tried to give everything in this relationship, but this time I realized what I was doing. I realized he didn't know my favorite things because I didn't let him learn them. He didn't know who I really was because I never showed him. He was a great guy and I hurt him. But it wasn't right. I let myself lose sight of who I was because I was in a relationship with him. And that wasn't right. 

After that relationship I really tried to be myself. To be happy. And it worked. And I finally agreed to give Nate a chance and I was pleasantly surprised. I tried to approach this relationship differently than I had all the others. I took my time, tried to get to know him first, not spend every moment possible together. It was nice. We went on dates (something I've never been overly comfortable with), talked on the phone (which is a dying art), took time in between our dates, and we actually had a conversation and decided it was official. On Friday it will be exactly one year ago that we had that conversation. 

Our year has been a difficult one. No relationship is easy, but ours has definitely had its rough points. And as we approach our one year mark we are not out of the woods. We still have to work on our communication and understanding the others point of view. But despite our imperfect relationship. I'm proud of me, proud of us. I love him more than I've loved any one. I have really tried to give my all to our relationship, and yet remain myself. I've struggled some with this. I feel resented sometimes  when I try to be myself. I feel like at times he wishes I wasn't who I am. I'm a pretty strong woman. I was raised to have my own opinion and my own voice. And it took me a long time to realize that those things were ok. Despite my desire to have kids and be able to be home with them I still want to earn my own money. I want to be valued and heard and listened to. And I know I deserve that. I think that's why I'm most proud of myself. This is the most I've been myself in any relationship and it's lasted the longest. I'm proud of myself and I want to celebrate that. I want to celebrate us. 

Defying the impulse to jump ship

"The truth is that the more intimately you know someone, the more clearly you'll see their flaws. That's just the way it is. This is why marriages fail, why children are abandoned, why friendships don't last. You might think you love someone until you see the way they act when they're out of money or under pressure or hungry, for goodness' sake. Love is something different. Love is choosing to serve someone and be with someone in spite of their filthy heart. Love is patient and kind, love is deliberate. Love is hard. Love is pain and sacrifice, it's seeing the darkness in another person and defying the impulse to jump ship."

A few weeks ago a friend of mine posted this quote to her Instagram, and I couldn't thank her enough for her perfect timing. My boyfriend and I were, to put it as he did...having a "coming to Jesus moment". And I was a mess! He actually hasn't seen this quote, but I did. And I read it and re-read it. And it stuck with me. It's just so true. You think you love someone, I've thought I've loved people and then you get to that point, whatever it is. You get to the cliff in your relationship, and you can jump together or you can turn around and walk away.

It's been a little over a year since I decided to give this guy a chance. He has probably loved me since the first day he saw me and he tried for 8 months to win me over. And he finally did. He surprised me, he was a better guy than I ever thought he was. I shouldn't say that past tense. He still is, and always will be, an amazing guy!

Our relationship has not been perfect, in almost a year we've been through a lot! But looking back on all of the memories, I wouldn't change them. I've had other boyfriends and I've called them "the loves of my life" or "my future" and I can't say that I've ever said that about Nate, but I don't need to. He tells me that I'm going to marry him one day and we'll be together forever, and I know that to be true. Now more than ever.

We both have had our doubts, but we have defied the impulse to jump ship. I cannot imagine my life without him. He challenges me, he irritates me, he accepts me, and he LOVES me.  And I love him, more than I could ever express. And I want him to know that. We've been to the edge of the cliff, about to turn around. We've been on the plank, about to jump. But we're both still here. And I have no plans to jump. I want to weather the storm, although it's probable I'll get sea sick sometimes. ;) I want to fight with you and love you. I want to go to bed and wake up next to you, always. I want you to love me until the end of time. I want to travel with you and grow old with you. I want to stand with you on the edge of the ship...and defy the urge to jump.

I love you!

The terrible, no good, very bad Saturday

A few weeks ago I had a really awful morning at work, and a member at the country club suggested I blog it to humor others. So I think I will. I titled the blog after a children's book, because although humorous it is also true.

I opened at work, which means I have to be there at 7:30.  We open for breakfast at 8 so there is not a lot of time to get everything together before we open.  When I walked in the door, my busser for the morning was already there standing over the time clock (he's not actually suppose to be there till 8, but I assume he was trying to cheat the system).  So I started to open everything.  At 7:45 the busser asked if we were open yet.  I told him no and asked why.  One of our members was already sitting in the Grille, not infrequent for this particular member.  So we got him a Diet Coke and he happily waited for his wife and friends to arrive.  I was finishing up things in the kitchen, when the busser came in to tell me that there were people out there.  I walked out to the Grille to discover 3 different tables all sitting promptly at 8.  A table of 5, a table of 2 with a baby, and a few gentlemen waiting for more (they ended up being 7).  So I started with the 5 top, got their drinks, took their order, rang it in and moved onto the couple with the baby.  I should note that this particular busser is a bit of a "know it all".  He seems to think that he's SO amazing at his job and also capable of doing everyone else's.  Although it's quite the contrary, he's more of a jack of no trade and a master of nothing.  So as I went to give drinks to the next table I asked the busser if he could start some toast for the first table.  He looked at me puzzled and asked how to make toast.  Baffled I did my best to explain it and thought "Oh Great!".  I should've had a food runner at 8am, but he was late, again.  I managed to get the first group fed, the second group fed and moved onto the 3rd.  My busser was less than helpful, but I did what I could.  Every time I walked out to the Grille there was another table, or something I needed to do.  It was overwhelming, but such is the restaurant life sometimes.  As I was standing in the kitchen waiting for a table's food, the busser was standing behind me.  Suddenly he went running to the end of the line and started throwing up in a trash can.  I couldn't believe it.  I looked at one of the cooks and said "this day just isn't going to get any better, is it?"  Just then my food runner walked in the door.  Which was kind of a blessing, since I then had to send my busser home.  This should've made the day better, but it didn't.  It was just in general a very bad day.  I won't continue with my bad day, but I hope you find some humor in my terrible, no good, very bad Saturday.

Ah Server Life!

<3 E

Thankful

It may sound silly, but this blog is inspired by a Thanksgiving episode of Dawson's Creek.

Brittany and I started a Dawson's Creek marathon recently and tonight was a Thanksgiving episode.  Those are actually some of my favorites, where everyone sits or stands around the dinner table and recites things they are thankful for.  Depending on the show, they all have very different things to be thankful for, but the one thing that is consistent is that what they say always sparks something in yourself.  You remember or are reminded of the things that you should be thankful for in your own life.  So...

I am thankful for the many friends I have met over the years, even the ones I don't keep in touch with any more.  I think back on many years of memories, with the people I called, still call, and will call again, friends.  Sometimes we let friendships, relationships, etc fall through the cracks when we're busy doing other things, starting new jobs, starting new relationships, making new friends, but something that will never change are the memories we have with those people.  I am a firm believer that the person that you are, that you become, has a lot to do with not only your environment, but the people in it.  You learned what Not to Do or what To Do from someone in your life, but either way you learned.  And no matter what, that's what we have to remember is important.  As long as you are learning, through the good or the bad, you are learning.  Learning who you are as a person, becoming the person you want to be or maybe the person you don't want to be.

I was recently told that the reason someone liked me was because I knew who I was as a person.  I was also told recently that I was the most dependable person that they knew.  I take these as some of the highest compliments one could get.  I will admit that I have not always known who I was, and I was probably not always dependable either.  But for good or for bad I was determined to figure out who I was, and in doing so I learned/decided what was important to me.  I decided what values I wanted to possess and I figured out how I could make myself happiest.  I can't say that I've always been happy and I can't say that I've never failed.  But through every failure I learned to accept defeat, move on, and learn for the future.

In finding myself I think I've hurt a few people along the way.  I don't mean to hurt people, and it hurts me more than they realize when I know that I do.  But unfortunately, heartbreak, pain, suffering, and tears are all part of life.  If you don't struggle you can't figure out who you are in the face of it.  Life is definitely not sunshine and roses, I would know better than most, but you'll never know how strong you are until you pick yourself up, dust yourself off and carry on.  But to those I have hurt, I'm very sorry!  I want you to know, that although I have hurt you, you are a part of my life and always will be in some way.

I think it is important to never forget the past.  A lot of people would I'm sure love to erase the "not so pretty" parts.  But to me those are the parts that are the most memorable.  Those are the situations you can learn the most from.  Three years ago I got a DUI and while you can judge me all you want for that, it is part of who I am.  And I'm ok with it.  I paid my fines, I did my assorted other court appointed stuff (the last of which is almost finished), and I did my jail time.  And I lived and learned and am now better for it.  I can't go to Canada apparently, but I think I'll be ok.  I have been heart broken and I've broken some hearts.  I've gotten drunk and made dumb decisions.  No one is perfect, and no one should be.  But being ok with you are, despite your faults and dumb decisions is something everyone needs to accomplish.

Family is a tricky one because as I have been reminded, you can choose your friends, but you cannot choose your family.  And mine is definitely not perfect, but whose is honestly.  But you know what, they're mine and I love them for who they are.  I am grateful for each and every one of them.  For everything they are to me and who they are as individuals.  I don't see them very often, but they are always apart of my heart.  I would not be who I am without them.  I would especially not be who I am without my immediate family.  We have all been through a lot and some of us are closer than others, but they will always be there when I need them and that means the world to me.

So...I would like to say Thank You to everyone who, for better or for worse, has made me the person I am today.  I am grateful for each and every one of you.  For what you have taught me about life.  For what you have taught me about myself.  For possessing values I wanted to have and for possessing values I didn't want to have.  For letting me learn from my mistakes and from yours.  For letting me into your lives and letting me go when it was time.  For giving me roots when I needed a place to stand and for giving me wings when I was brave enough to fly.  For giving me love and accepting it from me.  For giving me friendship and accepting mine in return.  For giving me strength when I needed it the most and for letting me be your strength when you needed it.  Thank you for being you!

Everything Happens for a Reason

This might be a repeat title in my blog, but it's a phrase that all of us, at some point in our lives, will need to be reminded. And it's something that I am remembering today.

I am no stranger to dark days. And I'm sure I will have many more in my lifetime. I have never skated through life unharmed. I have had many obstacles, some of which I've overcome, some of which I haven't. But I've always learned, adapted.

I've learned things about myself. I've learned things about other people, my friends, former friends, my family. And I've adapted. I learned to live without a car for two years. I walked to work, took cabs and buses. It wasn't easy and certainly not fun, but I did it. I unfortunately have learned to be unemployed. I have learned to keep myself busy, to conserve money and to borrow when I have to. I have learned that you can't always count on the people you thought you could and you will get taken advantage of. But I am a better, stronger person because of everything I've been through.

And like the title says, Everything Happens for a Reason. I have gone through all I have, met the people I have all to make me who I am.

And sometimes life rewards you for your struggles. In the midst of one of the hardest years of my life I was lucky enough to be blessed with a new job and through that job I found him. The job, as it turns out, was not so great. But it led me to him. When I met him I wasn't sure I was ready. Wasn't sure I could be in a relationship after everything I'd been through recently. But my head was proven wrong by my heart. And I couldn't be happier.

I found someone who I might never have pictured myself with, but he's exactly what I need, want. And I love him.

Nothing is ever perfect and neither are we. But I've learned that when you really care, it really is worth fighting for, working for. And at the end of the day, despite feeling frustrated or defeated sometimes, there is no other place I'd rather be than sleeping right beside him.

So, everything really does happen for a reason. Whether you recognize it right away or not. And sometimes when you least expect it you'll be blessed with exactly what you need. So keep your head up everyone!

Babe, I'm the lucky one! I love you!

<3 E

Trying Hard

Today was a very frustrating day on top of what has been a very frustrating month. A month ago today I was fired.  The act of being fired doesn't really get to me any more.  I've been fired enough times by now that the act itself, although never fun, doesn't really bother me.  There usually isn't anything you can do about it, so you go on as life does.  It's what happens after you get fired that I don't think anyone will ever get used to.

I hate looking for jobs, probably because it reminds me that I have no idea what I want to do with my life.  Struggling for money is one of the worst, most frustrating, helpless feelings in your life.  I'm 27 years old and I still can't take care of myself.  In fact I probably did a better job of it when I was 19 than I'm doing now.  It makes me feel like a terrible person, and if I didn't feel bad enough already I can't receive any help from my father without him reminding me that I have no direction.  All help comes with strings, I know, but he's not known for his motivational speaking.

I also hate car problems.  I feel like that is the story of my life these days.  I didn't have a car for two years and it definitely was not sunshine and roses always.  I like being able to get in the car and go wherever I want.  But I would trade repair expenses and stress for bus and cab rides any day.  That is what is so frustrating about today.  I went to my truck and...no brakes.  This is now the second time in a month.  All I can say is, at least I wasn't driving it this time and it's not stuck in Surprise so the tow to the shop will be cheaper (as I say that I create silent panic in my brain because my unemployed self cannot afford any more expenses).  I think by this point I have paid double what I paid for the car in repairs.  Some would consider that good (the truck was cheap), but I consider that to be not worth it.  I, unfortunately, am used to being in situations where I can't do anything about it, so I will just deal and figure it out.  But I can't wait for that conversation with my father...

I think the most frustrating, part of the last month has been the best thing in my life.  I realize that makes no sense, but I'll explain.  3 months ago, today in fact (well...Saturday), I started dating My Future.  Love of my Life sounds cliche...so I'm going to call him My Future.  He makes me happier than I could ever imagine, no time with him is ever enough, and I'm more grateful for him than he could ever know.  Sounds great right? What could be so frustrating?  I can't help but feel like I'm failing and some how failing him.  I sit at his house on the couch all day while he does things because it's cheaper.  I don't want to waste gas, I don't want to be tempted to spend money.  Sometimes it's hard to be happy even though I have him because the majority of me is a mess.  And that's not fair to him.  And it's not his fault.

I'm lost, I'll admit it.  I've been lost for most of my life I think.  I find things here and there to distract myself, but I'm ultimately still lost.  I've come to terms with the fact that I am not most people.  I don't take the path most traveled.  I learn lessons the hard way.  I'm stubborn.  I'm not going to be a millionaire, don't think I'd want to be.  I'm not a 9 to 5 job person, it's boring.  I can make anything seem like the right thing for a while, but ultimately they're not.  I believe with 100% of my heart that I was meant to be a Mom.  But I also know that right now is not the time.  And I haven't found my second calling in life, who knows, maybe I'll never find it.  I may be lost for a lifetime.

So...trying hard... I'm trying very hard to keep it all together.  I'm trying to find a job, trying to get my vehicle fixed and get it to stay that way.  I'm trying to figure myself out, get my life together, support myself.  I'm trying to be a girlfriend, a friend, a daughter, a sister, etc.  But it's hard and I fail and I feel bad.  There's nothing worse in life than disappointing the ones you love.

Since I'm a big quote person, and because it will make me feel better here are a few...

Courage doesn't always roar.
Sometimes courage is the quiet voice
at the end of the day saying,
"I will try again tomorrow."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.
- Robert Kennedy

Life is a song - sing it.
Life is a game - play it.
Life is a challenge - meet it.
Life is a dream - realize it.
Life is a sacrifice - offer it.
Life is love - enjoy it.
- Sai Baba

Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass...
It's about learning how to dance in the rain.
- Vivian Greene

Being human, we are imperfect. That's why we need each other.
To catch each other when we falter.
To encourage each other when we lose heart.
Some may lead; others may follow; but none of us can go it alone.
- Hilary Clinton

Flatter me, and I may not believe you.
Criticize me, and I may not like you.
Ignore me, and I may not forgive you.
Encourage me, and I will not forget you.
Love me and I may be forced to love you.
- William Arthur Ward

<3 E

Now What?

There has been a lot on my mind recently, and I can't figure it all out.  I'm not entirely sure how I'm suppose to feel.

A few weeks ago something I never imagined would happen to me, happened.  And because of it I lost a very close friend.  After the 'incident' I knew what I had to do, and I did it.  I'm a strong person, woman, and I deserve more, better.  I don't regret my decision to leave and walk away, it was the right thing.  But I can't help but think "now what?"

I can't help but think that I failed.  I let things go too far, I involved too many people, and now more than ever I feel stuck.  I feel as though I have dug myself too deep of a hole.  I know with a lot of hard work I'll climb out, and I know that I will be fine and my friends and family will be there for me.  But I feel very guilty right now.  I've involved a lot of people in a decision and a life that they didn't need to be a part of.  It's because of how much they care for me that they are involved as well.  I cared about another person more than I cared about myself, and because of that the people who really love and care about me are being burdened.

I'm starting over, which isn't new for me.  But the only thing I have in which to start over is a vehicle, something that wasn't even my idea...but it became my responsibility.  I'm grateful for the vehicle, previously I had been without one for two years.  But currently it's a burden I'm putting on other people as well, which just makes me feel guilty again.

I hate depending on other people, I've done it before, everyone needs help, everyone has hard times.  But this time I did it with my own decisions.  I got myself fired, I agreed to help a friend, and I let things get SO out of control that I've been homeless for 3 months.  My things are in storage, I have had to buy clothes to go to interviews, buy new jeans to fit me because I've lost so much weight that nothing I have fits me.  And I can't afford anything.  For a long time I thought I had it all under control.  It was difficult, things never got easier, but I was going to figure it out.  I am officially willing to admit that I lost control...months ago.

Yes, I know I'm going to be fine.  Everyone keeps hovering around me like I need to be rescued.  And in all honesty I probably do.  But I don't want to be.  I don't want more help.  I've asked for too much.  I was too stubborn for too long and I got hurt.

I feel very lost, I don't know where to go, I don't know what the right decision is.  I don't even know what I want.  So...now what?

I'm sorry to those that I have burdened, I'm sorry for being stubborn, I'm sorry for dragging you all into to this.  I love you for loving me!  And I promise to make it all better, somehow, someday.