I talk a fair amount about finding my "Prince Charming". And while I have not given up that quest, I have a more important issue to talk about tonight.
I have recently decided to give up boys, which of course is not working, the emotional stress of a relationship is just more than I can handle currently. Dating, in truth, sucks...it really is just no fun. I'm tired of feeling like I'm wasting my time at the end of yet another failed not even a relationship "relationship". But at the same time I like feeling that closeness with someone, the closeness that can only be shared through cuddling, kissing, sex. Which is why, of course, I cannot give up on guys completely. I'm lured in by their cuteness and potential for greatness. It's hard. A friend and I were talking this weekend. Very few people that I have "been with" (take that however you want) have made me feel special. I mean that in no disrespect to those that didn't make me feel special, I think it's just something I have grown to appreciate more with age. But regardless of the nature of my relationship with said people, there is a select group of people in my lifetime that have made me and continue to make me feel special when I'm with them, comfortable. A comfort that is hard to express, but is felt with your whole body in a remarkably natural way.
I think that we all want to feel special when we're with the people were dating, sleeping with, seeing. But a lot of the time we settle for not getting that feeling, because we want the company, we feel we don't deserve it, or we truly don't know what it's like to have that feeling.
I was asked recently what I was looking for in my certain someone, and frankly I have a large list. But at the end of the day I just want to feel that special feeling. I want to know that no matter what is going on at the end of the day, you're thinking of me. That when you and I are together, you're in the moment with me. I want you to look into my eyes and give me butterflies, because at that moment nothing else exists...just you and me. And if in the end it doesn't work between you and I, that's fine. Because I know what you and I had was special, and I'll remember it always.
I hope everyone gets to experience that amazingly special feeling someday. Because everyone IS special, and deserves to feel and be treated that way. If you haven't found it yet, don't give up...it's out there and you'll find it!
<3
Monday, March 5, 2012
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Thoughts for Today
I complain a lot sometimes, about life, and how I wish things were different. And I'm not sure what is different about today. Maybe it was just hearing someone else say what I usually think, but...
Although my life is not fancy or glamorous, it's not one most people would be jealous of, and most of the time doesn't really exist outside of work...it's mine.
I have earned the hangovers, battle wounds, scars, credit issues, heart breaks, and lessons learned. I can't say I am always happy with where I am in life. But I know I'll have earned what I get in the end, because it's my life and no one else can live it for me. And that is good enough!
<3
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Friday, February 3, 2012
Put to the Test
The last few days have been rough on my heart and my head. I have been thinking a lot about my life, my future, and where I want to end up. Life never seems to end up exactly how I thought it would. My life path is not a straight one...that's for sure.
I was watching Tori and Dean last night, the episode where Hattie was born, (don't judge me by my tv selection). And it made me sad. I love when other people get their fairy tales, but it always makes me sad that I haven't found mine. When I was little I always envisioned going off to college and meeting the love of my life there, finding a career and getting everything I ever wanted out of life. Never in any of those dreams did I think that I would be 26, without a car, living with a roommate I want to kill most days, working in a restaurant (which I honestly don't mind doing), still trying to find the love of my life. Now I realize I have made the choices I have in life, which is why I have ended up where I am. And I have learned along the way, which is all any one can ever hope for. But sometimes I wish the decisions I am forced to make would get easier.
I do my best to be grateful for everything I've been given in life, and I know what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Sometimes I just wish I wasn't constantly being put to the test.
I was watching Tori and Dean last night, the episode where Hattie was born, (don't judge me by my tv selection). And it made me sad. I love when other people get their fairy tales, but it always makes me sad that I haven't found mine. When I was little I always envisioned going off to college and meeting the love of my life there, finding a career and getting everything I ever wanted out of life. Never in any of those dreams did I think that I would be 26, without a car, living with a roommate I want to kill most days, working in a restaurant (which I honestly don't mind doing), still trying to find the love of my life. Now I realize I have made the choices I have in life, which is why I have ended up where I am. And I have learned along the way, which is all any one can ever hope for. But sometimes I wish the decisions I am forced to make would get easier.
I do my best to be grateful for everything I've been given in life, and I know what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Sometimes I just wish I wasn't constantly being put to the test.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Content
There are a lot of days where I walk into my room at the end of the day, to crawl into my bed and go to sleep, and there is an uneasy(esq) feeling about me. Some days I'm exhausted and can't wait to just lay down and forget about my day, others I'm unhappy with life, some days I know I need to sleep because the next day is going to be a long one, and some days I just want to hide out in my room from the world. But today when I walked in I felt a sense of content. Life isn't perfect, it rarely ever is, but right now I'm ok with where I am. I'm content and ready for what awaits me in my future.
Although getting fired is never ideal, I'm relieved in a way. I know it'll be better for me. I'm excited to start my new job on Tuesday. It has been nice having a break for a few days where I could relax and cross off some items on my to do list. I like to work, I get bored with out having something to do, but sometimes I need a reminder to slow down and enjoy myself. They say everything happens for a reason, and in this situation I know it to be true.
That's it from me, for now. Sweet dreams!
<3
Although getting fired is never ideal, I'm relieved in a way. I know it'll be better for me. I'm excited to start my new job on Tuesday. It has been nice having a break for a few days where I could relax and cross off some items on my to do list. I like to work, I get bored with out having something to do, but sometimes I need a reminder to slow down and enjoy myself. They say everything happens for a reason, and in this situation I know it to be true.
That's it from me, for now. Sweet dreams!
<3
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Story Time
Although I am not feeling particularly festive this year, I do have a story about my favorite Christmas movie for you.
Every year when we were on Christmas Break my Mom would take us to 'The Video Store' (I don't even remember it's real name anymore). For older movies they had this deal called 5 movies, 5 days, $5. And we were allowed to go and collectively pick 5 movies that we could watch while we were on break. We did this for years. EVERY year I wanted to get Prancer, it's my favorite Christmas movie. I have NO idea where I got this obsession with this movie, but I love it!
I don't think I'd seen it in a couple years, except for when it came on TV, after I went away to college, but my Mom a few years ago found it on DVD, so I now own the movie. It'll forever be my favorite! I'm actually really looking forward to watching it this year. It's one of the only things I really want to do on Christmas.
Well that's my Christmas Story for you all...G'night my <3's and Merry Christmas!
Every year when we were on Christmas Break my Mom would take us to 'The Video Store' (I don't even remember it's real name anymore). For older movies they had this deal called 5 movies, 5 days, $5. And we were allowed to go and collectively pick 5 movies that we could watch while we were on break. We did this for years. EVERY year I wanted to get Prancer, it's my favorite Christmas movie. I have NO idea where I got this obsession with this movie, but I love it!
I don't think I'd seen it in a couple years, except for when it came on TV, after I went away to college, but my Mom a few years ago found it on DVD, so I now own the movie. It'll forever be my favorite! I'm actually really looking forward to watching it this year. It's one of the only things I really want to do on Christmas.
Well that's my Christmas Story for you all...G'night my <3's and Merry Christmas!
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Home for the Holidays - or Not
Despite the fact that I moved 2,000 miles away from all my family and friends to go to college about 8 years ago, there are still very few moments over the course of those 8 years that I can say I was legitimately homesick. It's not that I don't miss my family and friends, I do. But I cherish the life I have made for myself out here, and cherish the moments I get to spend back in Illinois with them, when I have the chance, even more.
The first time I remember being homesick was my Aunt's memorial. Every single one of my Aunts, Uncles and Cousins were there except me. I felt bad that I was the only one missing, but it's what I have learned to live with. Sometimes you miss out on important moments, but you do the best you can. And the people that love you will understand.
This will be my first Christmas away from home, and while I can honestly say I will NOT miss having a White Christmas, I could care less about snow and cold weather. I will, however, miss my family! Every family comes with drama, and mine is no different, especially around the holidays. But I want them to know that I already miss them very much and wish I was there to celebrate with them. Growing up isn't all it's cracked up to be...and neither is this homesick feeling.
<3
The first time I remember being homesick was my Aunt's memorial. Every single one of my Aunts, Uncles and Cousins were there except me. I felt bad that I was the only one missing, but it's what I have learned to live with. Sometimes you miss out on important moments, but you do the best you can. And the people that love you will understand.
This will be my first Christmas away from home, and while I can honestly say I will NOT miss having a White Christmas, I could care less about snow and cold weather. I will, however, miss my family! Every family comes with drama, and mine is no different, especially around the holidays. But I want them to know that I already miss them very much and wish I was there to celebrate with them. Growing up isn't all it's cracked up to be...and neither is this homesick feeling.
Anyway...
Merry early Christmas to all my friends and family in Illinois, Ohio, and wherever else you are. I love you all VERY much!!
<3
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Letting Go
Any time a relationship ends there is usually more emotional damage than physical damage. Or at least one would hope. The emotional damage is hard to deal with, sometimes you don't even realize that you have any until something triggers it.
It doesn't matter what your role was in the relationship: girlfriend, husband, child, no one is immune. I think in one way or another everyone out there has emotional damage. Gone are the days where we live happily ever after. There are no real fairy tales these days. People break-up, parents get divorced, tragedy strikes. And emotional damage becomes apart of us, something we can't really explain, something we hide.
I like to think that I do a good job of hiding my emotional damage. It's not something I enjoy talking about, so I keep it to myself a lot. But by doing so I push some people away. I don't let them get close to me because I fear they won't like what's underneath. So I make people work for it, I make people put effort into finding out who I really am and what makes me, me. Right or wrong I'm not sure, I'm sure you could argue both cases. But that's what I do.
My sister has some emotional damage as well, probably a little more than me. She's a little more famous for wearing her heart on her sleeve, although she might beg to differ. However, it's difficult for both of us to let people in. Tonight in a conversation about this subject she said to me, "Yeah, well I guess we'll have to let go." And as simple as it sounds, she is right. We will. We all will, every single one of us that walks around with emotional damage hidden somewhere, will have to learn to let go. Because...Wayne Gretzky's quote fits well here: "You'll always miss 100% of the shots you don't take."
Also...
Enjoy <3
It doesn't matter what your role was in the relationship: girlfriend, husband, child, no one is immune. I think in one way or another everyone out there has emotional damage. Gone are the days where we live happily ever after. There are no real fairy tales these days. People break-up, parents get divorced, tragedy strikes. And emotional damage becomes apart of us, something we can't really explain, something we hide.
I like to think that I do a good job of hiding my emotional damage. It's not something I enjoy talking about, so I keep it to myself a lot. But by doing so I push some people away. I don't let them get close to me because I fear they won't like what's underneath. So I make people work for it, I make people put effort into finding out who I really am and what makes me, me. Right or wrong I'm not sure, I'm sure you could argue both cases. But that's what I do.
My sister has some emotional damage as well, probably a little more than me. She's a little more famous for wearing her heart on her sleeve, although she might beg to differ. However, it's difficult for both of us to let people in. Tonight in a conversation about this subject she said to me, "Yeah, well I guess we'll have to let go." And as simple as it sounds, she is right. We will. We all will, every single one of us that walks around with emotional damage hidden somewhere, will have to learn to let go. Because...Wayne Gretzky's quote fits well here: "You'll always miss 100% of the shots you don't take."
Also...
Enjoy <3
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