Afraid to be You

After recent discussions I decided that this was a topic worth blogging about.

It seems as though people (I guess I'm saying particularly girls) are afraid to be themselves around  'potential love interests' we'll call them.  And/or they do things such as diets for that person to which they give up on when they're no longer together.  I don't get it.  Why are we trying to hide who we really are from people?  If they don't like you without make-up, in your pjs, and your hair not brushed then they aren't for you anyway.  And if things go well they will see all that and more so why are you trying to hide it from the beginning?  I realize things have steps, because by nature we are all self conscious at some point.  But I don't understand pretending you always look perfect, because no one is dumb enough to believe that.

And if you want to go on a diet, eat healthy, go the the gym, etc.  Then do it for you and because you want to and because it makes you feel better.  Not because you don't want your boyfriend to see that you've gained a few pounds.  Because if he loves you, he'll love you for being you.

Be proud of who you are, you are unique and beautiful in your own way.  And you shouldn't be afraid to let people see who you really are.

Much love my dearests! <3

Being A Girl

Being a girl sometimes gets us into trouble, our emotions tend get the best of us in certain situations.  I, in general, am pretty good at keeping my emotions in check, but even those of us that are in control of our emotions have break downs every now and then.  Sometimes the struggle for me comes when I don't know whether I should let my emotions show or whether I should keep them inside and just wait and see.  I probably err on the side of caution a bit too much, and don't let many people see the emotional side of me, but we all have ways of protecting ourselves, and I guess that's mine.

I was asked today "how can you be ok with that?"  And believe me there are plenty of situations that I'm not really "ok" with, but I have to think about what's best for the situation.  Being a girl and freaking out, or realizing that there are things in life you can't control and they will work themselves out one way or another?  I've learned over the years that you can't control how other people feel.  You can't make someone like you, you can't make someone faithful, you can't even make someone trust you.  Sometimes they either do or they don't, no matter the reason or how good it might be.  You also can't assume that everyone is going to hurt you, at some point you have to trust people and just hope you're right.

Relationships are complicated, emotions are complicated, and there is not always a clear right or wrong in situations.  There is no manual for life.  We're going to get hurt, we're going to be disappointed, bad things are  going to happen, but sometimes the best news, deepest love, or the greatest rewards come from the lowest points in our lives.  And that's just how it is...

Well, that's it from me for now.  Enjoy <3

What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger

I've been wanting to blog recently, but have been lacking the time and energy to get my thoughts in order.  So I thought I would post an older writing of mine.  It was a note I posted on Facebook dating back to last year.  But I like it and thought I'd share with the rest of you.  Happy Reading...

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently…and it’s no secret that writing is my healing process.  So, I think it’s about time that I let my heart and my head heal a little.

I’ve been going through a rough time recently…well…to be honest the last few years haven’t been that great.  I like to think that I hide it pretty well, but there are people that notice.  Some are the expected.  I know most of us can’t hide much from our Mom’s, but there are a few that even surprise me every now and then.  I guess my hard-to-readness doesn’t fool everyone. :)  I would like to say, before I complain anymore, that there are highlights in my life.  I have met some of the best people at my darkest, roughest times and I definitely owe those people, and everyone that stands by me through all the rough patches, my life.  They don’t know how much they really mean to me.  I would especially like to thank one person, who shall remain nameless, because recently he has been…indescribable to me.  And I just hope that he is around for a very long time.

I like quotes.  They’re like song lyrics in a way, which I also like.  There are so many of them out there, but when you find the right one it always makes you feel better.  My favorite is when you find the perfect song or quote for your exact mood at that moment, and you weren’t even trying…it’s like it just found you.  There seem to be quotes or songs, though that always fit a person.  I think a song that is eternally mine is Brown Eyed Girl by Van Morrison.  My Dad loved that type of music so I grew up listening to it, and I am also the only one of my siblings to get brown eyes.  I’ve had random friends tell me that that song reminds them of me.  I think if that song reminds you of me, you get me.  One of my favorite quotes, especially recently is… “I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.” — Marilyn Monroe.  I like to think that I don’t have a lot of “bad times”…I’m not really one of those crazy emotional, moody girls…or I try very hard not to be, but I’m definitely a stubborn, pain in the ass.  But I am also probably one of the nicest, most caring people you’ll ever meet (also in my opinion) but if you can’t handle both…well you probably won’t be around too long.

I like to help people.  It makes me feel good to be able to fix things, help…just do something.  Sometimes I wonder whether I do that too much and whether I need to spend more time fixing myself.  I’m admittedly screwed up in ways, I think we all are.  And to be honest, I don’t always like to think about the past, the good or the bad in some cases.

One of the biggest problems I have is that I really have no clue what I want to do with my life.  I always get ideas, different ones all the time.  They don’t always pan out very well though.  And I hate school.  It was painful enough just getting my Bachelor’s degree.  I changed majors 3 times and in the end wasn’t really very happy with the one I finally got a degree in.  Then I decided to go back to school for my Master’s and as many of you don’t know that just blew up in my face, but I recently wasn’t overly happy with that either.  I don’t dislike learning new things, I just hate the structure of school…it’s just not my thing.  I think I could be happy doing a lot of things and nothing all at the same time.  I’m not sure I was “made” to do one specific thing, but what does that mean?!  I have to have a job…a career…but what?  I wish I knew…

Well…since its 3am, my computer is about to die, and I’m about out of things to say I will leave you all with one last quote, one my roommate recently told me is the epitome of me… “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”

Until next time… 

Flirting or Just Being Nice

I guess I have a lot going on in my head this month and feel the need to blog about it...but I know you all love it :)

So...this one comes from current events.  I don't like to be cruel, so I won't name names.

So a friend of a friend comes in to work every so often and the last time he came in I went over and talked to him for a few minutes.  He asked if I wanted to hang out sometime, and I said sure.  We exchanged numbers...normal stuff right?!

Well...apparently I entered a world of texting by being nice and accepting his invitation to hang out some time.  I haven't yet entirely figured out how to politely get out of exchanging numbers with someone who you know from mutual friends, but most of the time they're not creepy so I figure it's safe.  Plus if you happen to run into them other places, it makes it less awkward and you can be friendly and whatever.  That's what I thought I was doing...  And if we happened to hang out at a bar some night it would be no harm, no foul.  By the way...I don't understand why accepting an invitation to be hang out sometime (ps...that is very non-descriptive and can often mean never) and exchanging numbers means "Yes, I'm madly in love with you and can't wait for you to proclaim your love for me over text"  But I'm getting slightly off topic...

Pretty much from the moment he had my number he decided it was acceptable to text me (almost every day) about non-sense.  Asking what I was doing (which 90% of the time was working), telling me he always thought I was cute, telling me he wanted a neck massage, and other random stuff.  I guess it would be flattering if I thought he was attractive...but I don't remember that question being part of the pre-rec for "hanging out sometime".  Only today, after just over a week of this non-sense, did he finally ask me if I liked him.  And I almost hate that question more than having to go through all this crap in the first place, because I don't like to be mean to people.  I don't like making people feel bad, it's just not fun.  But when you ask direct questions, you get direct answers so...I told him I did not like him as anything more than a friend.  To which I have heard no reply...

So now I sit here thinking.  I'm glad that headache is over...  But when situations happen like this I always wonder...did I some how lead him to believe that I was interested?  Was I flirting or just being nice?  I'm pretty sure I was just being nice.  I didn't text him...he texted me.  I was almost always working...but if I really wanted to make time for him I probably could have...or could have at least tried to arrange something in the future.  But I didn't.

I think this situation happens to everyone at least once, on either side.  I just always feel bad hurting other people's feelings, but sometimes people really are just being nice...and that's all there is.

Until tomorrow my <3's

Days Like Today

Time for some blog therapy...

It's days like today that I just want to scream.  And then I remember the quote that irritates me the most when I need it the most "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger".  And I have to hope that tomorrow will be a better day.

I don't like whining to the General Public, so I'll attempt to avoid that here.  But I also must let out a little of my frustration...which in a sense means "whining".

So...on days like today I feel like a bad friend.  And there have been several times recently where I have also felt like a bad friend.  I hate that in order to do something with someone we a) pretty much have to go somewhere that is at $10 cab ride or so away from my house or b) you have to pick me up and drop me off...no matter how far out of your way that might be.  It's like conditional friendship and I hate it!

I miss driving, I miss being able to just pick up and go wherever I wanted, when I wanted.  I like freedom!  But more than anything I miss being able to hang out with my friends without limitations, help them out, pick them up, go meet them some where...just be able to spend time with them.  I love my friends more than anything, and I miss a lot of them more than they probably know.  But everyone has their own lives and I can't (and don't) expect them to be able to come pick me up, just so we can go do something. And because of that I don't get to see some of them as much as I want.  And that's why I get frustrated.  I wanted to go help a friend out today and due to circumstances beyond my control I couldn't and it makes me sad.

Well I guess that's all I've got for now.  I think it's time for some Music Therapy....  Hope everyone had a nice weekend!

Later <3's

My Rules

I have two rules/qualifications when it comes to someone I might be able to spend my future with.  They're small, but I feel important.

1.  I have to like kissing you, we have to "fit".  When I say kissing, I do not mean making out, I mean the simple act of kissing.  I think kissing is an under-rated form of affection, but it's an important one.  Years from now when we're old and gray sex will become a less important act, but in my opinion kissing never gets old.

There are bad kissers out there, no one can be good at everything.  But what makes most people bad, in my opinion, is that you're just not "fitting" with the person you think is a bad kisser.  You're just not meant to be...

So that's Rule #1.  I have to like kissing you, because I'm going to want to for the rest of my life.

2.  I have to be able to sleep next to you in the same bed without you driving me insane.  And again I mean the simple act of sleeping.  This rule is insanely important to me, because as most people know I LOVE to sleep, so if you're going to be sleeping next to me for the rest of my life I better be getting good sleep.

I'm OCD, I like things a certain way.  Especially my bed!  I make it every day, the same way, I'm a neat sleeper, I like pillows and lots of blankets.  I like to cuddle, but I like my space when I'm ready to sleep.  I don't eat in my bed because it's where I sleep, and I like it to stay clean.  I wear the same pj's to bed every night, and I change when I get up because they are only for sleeping.  Some people aren't like that...and that's fine, but you're not for me.  And just for the record, despite what certain people have said, they have failed in this category...miserably!  When I say I'm picky...I mean it :)

I'm not really sure the point of this blog, just wanted to write it.  Enjoy!

<3

Our Generation

Our generation is all about sex, which seems to have made dating almost disappear.  How do you decide you like someone these days?  You have sex with them...  And if you like it you'll probably do it again, and eventually you may decide that you like them enough to be in a relationship with them.  If you can't find anyone new, you hook up with your ex's until you find someone new you might be interested in.  That's how we do things these days.

I'm not saying I'm innocent and have never participated in such activities, some of you know stories to the contrary.  But I've recently decided I'm over it.  It might just be a temporary state of mind, could be permanent...only time will tell.  But what I learned about myself from being with my ex was that I enjoyed sex a whole lot more when it was someone I was really interested in, someone who was interested in me, someone who made me feel special, comfortable.

There have been several movies out recently about the concept of "Friends with Benefits" which as we all know ends badly, because one person always develops more feelings for the other person than the other one develops.  I've been on both ends of this, I've been the one with more feelings and I've been the one with less feelings.  Either way, it's not fun.

I could say more on the subject, but I guess I will keep some things to myself.  Please don't be offended by anything I've said, I place no judgement on anyone who is participating/wants to participate in such activities.  I've just decided for the moment it's not for me.  I'm choosing to wait for the one who makes me feel special again.

Enjoy what's left of the weekend my <3's!