Put to the Test

The last few days have been rough on my heart and my head.  I have been thinking a lot about my life, my future, and where I want to end up.  Life never seems to end up exactly how I thought it would.  My life path is not a straight one...that's for sure.

I was watching Tori and Dean last night, the episode where Hattie was born, (don't judge me by my tv selection).  And it made me sad.  I love when other people get their fairy tales, but it always makes me sad that I haven't found mine.  When I was little I always envisioned going off to college and meeting the love of my life there, finding a career and getting everything I ever wanted out of life.  Never in any of those dreams did I think that I would be 26, without a car, living with a roommate I want to kill most days, working in a restaurant (which I honestly don't mind doing), still trying to find the love of my life.  Now I realize I have made the choices I have in life, which is why I have ended up where I am.  And I have learned along the way, which is all any one can ever hope for.  But sometimes I wish the decisions I am forced to make would get easier.

I do my best to be grateful for everything I've been given in life, and I know what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.  Sometimes I just wish I wasn't constantly being put to the test.

Content

There are a lot of days where I walk into my room at the end of the day, to crawl into my bed and go to sleep, and there is an uneasy(esq) feeling about me.  Some days I'm exhausted and can't wait to just lay down and forget about my day, others I'm unhappy with life, some days I know I need to sleep because the next day is going to be a long one, and some days I just want to hide out in my room from the world.  But today when I walked in I felt a sense of content.  Life isn't perfect, it rarely ever is, but right now I'm ok with where I am.  I'm content and ready for what awaits me in my future.

Although getting fired is never ideal, I'm relieved in a way.  I know it'll be better for me.  I'm excited to start my new job on Tuesday.  It has been nice having a break for a few days where I could relax and cross off some items on my to do list.  I like to work, I get bored with out having something to do, but sometimes I need a reminder to slow down and enjoy myself.  They say everything happens for a reason, and in this situation I know it to be true.

That's it from me, for now.  Sweet dreams!

<3

Story Time

Although I am not feeling particularly festive this year, I do have a story about my favorite Christmas movie for you.

Every year when we were on Christmas Break my Mom would take us to 'The Video Store' (I don't even remember it's real name anymore).  For older movies they had this deal called 5 movies, 5 days, $5.  And we were allowed to go and collectively pick 5 movies that we could watch while we were on break.  We did this for years.  EVERY year I wanted to get Prancer, it's my favorite Christmas movie.  I have NO idea where I got this obsession with this movie, but I love it!

I don't think I'd seen it in a couple years, except for when it came on TV, after I went away to college, but my Mom a few years ago found it on DVD, so I now own the movie.   It'll forever be my favorite!  I'm actually really looking forward to watching it this year.  It's one of the only things I really want to do on Christmas.

Well that's my Christmas Story for you all...G'night my <3's and Merry Christmas!

Home for the Holidays - or Not

Despite the fact that I moved 2,000 miles away from all my family and friends to go to college about 8 years ago, there are still very few moments over the course of those 8 years that I can say I was legitimately homesick.  It's not that I don't miss my family and friends, I do.  But I cherish the life I have made for myself out here, and cherish the moments I get to spend back in Illinois with them, when I have the chance, even more.

The first time I remember being homesick was my Aunt's memorial.  Every single one of my Aunts, Uncles and Cousins were there except me.  I felt bad that I was the only one missing, but it's what I have learned to live with.  Sometimes you miss out on important moments, but you do the best you can.  And the people that love you will understand.

This will be my first Christmas away from home, and while I can honestly say I will NOT miss having a White Christmas, I could care less about snow and cold weather.  I will, however, miss my family!  Every family comes with drama, and mine is no different, especially around the holidays.  But I want them to know that I already miss them very much and wish I was there to celebrate with them.  Growing up isn't all it's cracked up to be...and neither is this homesick feeling.

Anyway...

Merry early Christmas to all my friends and family in Illinois, Ohio, and wherever else you are.  I love you all VERY much!!

<3

Letting Go

Any time a relationship ends there is usually more emotional damage than physical damage.  Or at least one would hope.  The emotional damage is hard to deal with, sometimes you don't even realize that you have any until something triggers it.

It doesn't matter what your role was in the relationship: girlfriend, husband, child, no one is immune.  I think in one way or another everyone out there has emotional damage.  Gone are the days where we live happily ever after.  There are no real fairy tales these days.  People break-up, parents get divorced, tragedy strikes.  And emotional damage becomes apart of us, something we can't really explain, something we hide.

I like to think that I do a good job of hiding my emotional damage.  It's not something I enjoy talking about, so I keep it to myself a lot.  But by doing so I push some people away.  I don't let them get close to me because I fear they won't like what's underneath.  So I make people work for it, I make people put effort into finding out who I really am and what makes me, me.  Right or wrong I'm not sure, I'm sure you could argue both cases.  But that's what I do.

My sister has some emotional damage as well, probably a little more than me.  She's a little more famous for wearing her heart on her sleeve, although she might beg to differ.  However, it's difficult for both of us to let people in.  Tonight in a conversation about this subject she said to me, "Yeah, well I guess we'll have to let go."  And as simple as it sounds, she is right.  We will.  We all will, every single one of us that walks around with emotional damage hidden somewhere, will have to learn to let go.  Because...Wayne Gretzky's quote fits well here: "You'll always miss 100% of the shots you don't take."

Also...

Enjoy <3

Me

I may have a blog, facebook, foursquare, and twitter that seem to broadcast my personal life and where-a-bouts, but despite what you might think, I keep a lot of things to myself.  It's hard for me to let people in, to let people know how I really feel, to trust people.  I'm always amazed when random people can read me, and there are a few out there that can, and that care to.

I have a couple who are regulars at work, and they want me to serve them every time.  I saw them the other night after a few weeks and they were wondering where I had been.  They had been in a few times and hadn't seen me, so they were pleasantly surprised when I walked in to work, just as they were being seated.  It always makes me feel special when they walk in the door and want no one but me.  Anyway, she looked at me the other night and said "you seem bored" and she's right.  I was amazed that she seemed to just know, but that mother's intuition will get you every time.

I'm kind of tired of feeling like my life is going no where.  I have pretty much decided that I don't want a career that is going to interfere with my ability to be a mother, when I get to that point, I'm not a 9-5 job kind of person. I don't see myself doing one thing for the rest of my life, except being a mother.  I've always wanted to be a mom, ever since I can remember.  I don't want to get ahead of myself, but I'm tired of coming home to a house I really don't enjoy being in to hang out by myself.  I'm tired of hiding in my room, because I don't want to watch whatever god awful show is playing in the living room.  I'm tired of finding guys that are interested in me while I'm not so sure about my feelings for them.

I'm picky when it comes to guys and relationships.  But I'm tired of making excuses to people for why I don't want to date them, I'm tired of play "coy" about the whole thing.  I hate hurting peoples feelings, but when I know I like someone I just know.  And I don't know that I feel that way, about a lot of people.  I want to find someone who is right for me.  Who likes me as much as I like them.  Someone who wants a future, who cares about my story, where I've been and where I'm going.  I'm tired of being by myself all the time, having nothing to look forward to.

I'm sure I'm just having a bad day, and my mood will be better tomorrow.   But at least you got some insight about me in the meantime.  Thanks for listening/reading.

G'night world!

<3 E

Decisions

Our lives are filled with decisions that need to be made.  Some small, what am I going to eat today?  Some larger, what do I want to be when I grow up?  Is this the person I am meant to spend the rest of my life with?

It seems as though the older we get the more difficult the decisions become, the more complicated it all is.  There isn't always a clear choice, a perfect right or wrong, black or white.  So what do we do?  Do we stay in a marriage we are unhappy in because of our children, do we leave a job we like to try and find something with better money, do we hold out hope that the guy we love will give up his life for us?  To be honest, I don't know what the right answer is.  I'm not sure any one does.

At some point in our lives we are going to hurt people we care about because of a decision that we make.  Unfortunately, it is impossible in life to please everyone and yourself with every decision.  I am very much about giving to others, caring for others, and respecting others.  But sometimes in life the harder decisions cannot be made with other people in mind.  At the end of the day you cannot live your life for other people, you have to live it for yourself.  I have struggled a lot with this concept, I still do, but I cannot always make other people happy.  I deserve to be happy too.  And I'm the one in charge of making myself happy, I cannot expect others to do it for me.

I know I'm not over the hardest decisions in my life, there are more to come.  Some of the closest people to me are going through hard times right now trying to decide what to do.  And I'm sure there are millions more out there trying to make a complicated decision.  Just know that it's not fair to you or anyone involved to live unhappily.  Everyone deserves to be happy, no matter what makes you happy.  And there is always someone that will be there to stand behind you in your toughest decisions.

"Happiness depends on ourselves" -Aristotle.

"Nothing is more difficult, and therefore more precious, than to decide." -Napoleon Bonaparte.

"People are like stained glass windows, they sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when darkness sets in, their true beauty is only seen if there is a light within." -Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

I love quotes and thought that was a perfect way to end this post.  Enjoy <3's!