I Don't Let Myself

I don't really let myself like many guys.  I don't know why, but most of the time when I meet a guy I get to the "you annoy me" stage faster than the "I like you" stage.  Which sometimes results in really bad timing when they get to the "I like you" stage and I've reached the "you annoy me" stage.

I hear all the time "why don't you have a boyfriend?"  Most of the time my answer is "I get tired of them" or "I get annoyed with them".  It sounds dumb, but it's true.  I'm very good at being friends with guys because I'm not trying to date and marry them, so whatever tendencies or traits they have that I might find annoying in a boyfriend, don't bug me as a friend.  I'm extremely picky and I'm even more guarded; it takes a lot for me to let you in.  Most people tell me that they don't know what I'm thinking.  Sometimes I wish they would because I think I get misunderstood in certain situations.  But sometimes I think that "not knowing what I'm thinking" is my defense mechanism.

Somewhat on the contrary I'm a very caring person.  I care deeply about a lot of people in my life.  Caring that much sometimes gets me into trouble.  I have a very Mom-like persona.  I like to help, I like to care for people and therefore I worry about people.  Disappointment is part of life.  You can't change people, something I know but am continuously reminded.  Sometimes the people you care most about in life, disappoint you, it's part of the ups and downs of every relationship no matter the nature of that relationship.

Life isn't perfect and neither are we.  We all have moments of pure joy and absolute heartbreak.  We all need to smile and laugh, fall down and cry.

I hope eventually we all let someone in who makes us wonder how we lived without them, even me.

<3

When I Was Little

This was written by my sister the other day and she sent it to me to read. I asked her if I could post it on my blog for her and she gave me permission.  So here you are...  Enjoy!

When I was little I was repeatedly told my sister was gorgeous, my brother was a genius.  My sister is gorgeous, my brother is a genius.  Hmm... Well what was I?  Well I was the ugly duckling.  I was skinny, but had lots of pimples and disgusting frizzy curly hair.  My mom, of course, would tell me I was pretty, but not the person I ever really cared what he thought, which was my father.  He was never around when I was younger so I tried desperately to win his approval.  I wanted to be pretty and I wanted to be smart.  Even when I ran and competed I was never good enough.  There was always something I could do to be better.  I was never told "good job."  I stopped trying because I realized that it was just never going to happen.  It finally came to me that I was never going to hear what I wanted when I was in my prom dress my senior year.  I felt gorgeous, for probably the first time in my life, and he didn't say a word.  Now a days I have an eating disorder that will consume me for the rest of my life.  It is not something I am very proud of, but it is something that just makes me who I am.  I tried so hard for so long to hear someone tell me those words that now when people tell me, it goes in one ear and out the other.  I don't believe it when people tell me, because if people didn't think it back then then why do they think it now?  Today and for the rest of my life I will not think I ever had a father because he does not understand me nor has he ever been there for me.  It is because of him that I think about myself the way I do.  It is because of him that my mom, the greatest parent in the world will walk me down the aisle when I get married, and not him.  And because of him I will choose to have a father-daughter dance with my father-in-law and not him.  Congratulations Dad, I hope you got what you wanted.  

My Sister and my Mom on My Sister's Senior Prom Night

<3 you all!

Footprints

This is one of my favorite poems ever, but since I couldn't find a good image with the poem on it we'll have to do it separately.


"One night a man had a dream.  He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord.  Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.  For each scene he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand.  One belonging to him and the other belonging to the Lord.

When the last scene from his life flashed before him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand.  He noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints.  He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times of his life.

This really bothered him and he questioned the Lord about it.  Lord you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way.  But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life there is only one set of footprints.  I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me.

The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you!  During your times of trial and suffering when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."


I think that no matter what you believe, there is always someone watching over us.  And that is why I have decided this will be my 5th tattoo, to remind me that when times are hard there is always someone there for me, to carry me even if I don't always notice.

G'night my <3's!

I Wanna be a Toys R Us Kid

I knew that sleeping in today was going to come back and bite me in the ass, I am of course not tired now and need to be up early.  So we'll blog for a bit, since I'd been thinking about it anyway, and attempt to sleep after.

This has been a topic of conversation recently, in my world, figuring out what you want to do with the rest of your life.  I need to figure that out, among other people.  It seems as though more and more people are falling under this category.  We'll say they're "Spinning".  They're working or going to school, but still trying to find out what they're ultimately passionate about.  More and more people are attending college now it seems, but once you get a degree what do you do with it?

I chose a degree I thought I would enjoy, but as I got to the end and finished I discovered all the jobs most people do with my degree were underwhelming to me.  I started my Master's but stopped because I wasn't happy with that direction either.  I, in all honesty, am not really sure I am "made" to do one specific job, I like doing all kinds of different things, it keeps me from getting antsy and bored.  My brother on the other hand knows what he is made to do and he has stuck with it, and I have no doubt he will get exactly where he wants to go.  I am enormously proud of where he is today, with plenty of future ahead of him to accomplish everything he dreams and more.  But him and I are very different.  He is on the straight and narrow and I...well...I'm probably not really on a path any more.

Whenever I think about this topic I am reminded of the Toys R Us commercial from when I was a kid.  No one wants to grow up, they want to stay kids forever.  And I sense that more and more people feel this way.

There is a lot of pressure as an adult.  You need to finish school, get a job, buy a house, buy a car, get married, have a kid, etc....  Sometimes the idea of all of that sounds fun, but it adds up!  And life doesn't happen at the same age or in the same order for everyone.  Some people know what they want to do with their lives from an early age and others of us struggle.  Some of us find the love of our lives earlier in life and some of us may never find them.  Some of us will have kids, but it's not for everyone.  Some of us will buy several houses over the course of our lives, and some prefer to rent.  Some of us are planners and some of us like to fly by the seat of our pants.

I'm not entirely sure why there is so much pressure for all of these things, because ultimately our own happiness is what matters.  And as long as you achieve happiness in your life who cares how long it took you, what age you accomplished it at, or what order it happened for you in?!

I believe that we should never be afraid to be who we are, because who we are is beautiful in one way or another.  We are born different, and we should try to our best to remain that way.  And no one thing is right for everyone.  (I apologize if I stole those quotes without actually quoting them...I may have heard them before, or may have made them up, I'm not sure).

And with that I say...G'night my loves! <3

Afraid to be You

After recent discussions I decided that this was a topic worth blogging about.

It seems as though people (I guess I'm saying particularly girls) are afraid to be themselves around  'potential love interests' we'll call them.  And/or they do things such as diets for that person to which they give up on when they're no longer together.  I don't get it.  Why are we trying to hide who we really are from people?  If they don't like you without make-up, in your pjs, and your hair not brushed then they aren't for you anyway.  And if things go well they will see all that and more so why are you trying to hide it from the beginning?  I realize things have steps, because by nature we are all self conscious at some point.  But I don't understand pretending you always look perfect, because no one is dumb enough to believe that.

And if you want to go on a diet, eat healthy, go the the gym, etc.  Then do it for you and because you want to and because it makes you feel better.  Not because you don't want your boyfriend to see that you've gained a few pounds.  Because if he loves you, he'll love you for being you.

Be proud of who you are, you are unique and beautiful in your own way.  And you shouldn't be afraid to let people see who you really are.

Much love my dearests! <3

Being A Girl

Being a girl sometimes gets us into trouble, our emotions tend get the best of us in certain situations.  I, in general, am pretty good at keeping my emotions in check, but even those of us that are in control of our emotions have break downs every now and then.  Sometimes the struggle for me comes when I don't know whether I should let my emotions show or whether I should keep them inside and just wait and see.  I probably err on the side of caution a bit too much, and don't let many people see the emotional side of me, but we all have ways of protecting ourselves, and I guess that's mine.

I was asked today "how can you be ok with that?"  And believe me there are plenty of situations that I'm not really "ok" with, but I have to think about what's best for the situation.  Being a girl and freaking out, or realizing that there are things in life you can't control and they will work themselves out one way or another?  I've learned over the years that you can't control how other people feel.  You can't make someone like you, you can't make someone faithful, you can't even make someone trust you.  Sometimes they either do or they don't, no matter the reason or how good it might be.  You also can't assume that everyone is going to hurt you, at some point you have to trust people and just hope you're right.

Relationships are complicated, emotions are complicated, and there is not always a clear right or wrong in situations.  There is no manual for life.  We're going to get hurt, we're going to be disappointed, bad things are  going to happen, but sometimes the best news, deepest love, or the greatest rewards come from the lowest points in our lives.  And that's just how it is...

Well, that's it from me for now.  Enjoy <3

What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger

I've been wanting to blog recently, but have been lacking the time and energy to get my thoughts in order.  So I thought I would post an older writing of mine.  It was a note I posted on Facebook dating back to last year.  But I like it and thought I'd share with the rest of you.  Happy Reading...

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently…and it’s no secret that writing is my healing process.  So, I think it’s about time that I let my heart and my head heal a little.

I’ve been going through a rough time recently…well…to be honest the last few years haven’t been that great.  I like to think that I hide it pretty well, but there are people that notice.  Some are the expected.  I know most of us can’t hide much from our Mom’s, but there are a few that even surprise me every now and then.  I guess my hard-to-readness doesn’t fool everyone. :)  I would like to say, before I complain anymore, that there are highlights in my life.  I have met some of the best people at my darkest, roughest times and I definitely owe those people, and everyone that stands by me through all the rough patches, my life.  They don’t know how much they really mean to me.  I would especially like to thank one person, who shall remain nameless, because recently he has been…indescribable to me.  And I just hope that he is around for a very long time.

I like quotes.  They’re like song lyrics in a way, which I also like.  There are so many of them out there, but when you find the right one it always makes you feel better.  My favorite is when you find the perfect song or quote for your exact mood at that moment, and you weren’t even trying…it’s like it just found you.  There seem to be quotes or songs, though that always fit a person.  I think a song that is eternally mine is Brown Eyed Girl by Van Morrison.  My Dad loved that type of music so I grew up listening to it, and I am also the only one of my siblings to get brown eyes.  I’ve had random friends tell me that that song reminds them of me.  I think if that song reminds you of me, you get me.  One of my favorite quotes, especially recently is… “I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.” — Marilyn Monroe.  I like to think that I don’t have a lot of “bad times”…I’m not really one of those crazy emotional, moody girls…or I try very hard not to be, but I’m definitely a stubborn, pain in the ass.  But I am also probably one of the nicest, most caring people you’ll ever meet (also in my opinion) but if you can’t handle both…well you probably won’t be around too long.

I like to help people.  It makes me feel good to be able to fix things, help…just do something.  Sometimes I wonder whether I do that too much and whether I need to spend more time fixing myself.  I’m admittedly screwed up in ways, I think we all are.  And to be honest, I don’t always like to think about the past, the good or the bad in some cases.

One of the biggest problems I have is that I really have no clue what I want to do with my life.  I always get ideas, different ones all the time.  They don’t always pan out very well though.  And I hate school.  It was painful enough just getting my Bachelor’s degree.  I changed majors 3 times and in the end wasn’t really very happy with the one I finally got a degree in.  Then I decided to go back to school for my Master’s and as many of you don’t know that just blew up in my face, but I recently wasn’t overly happy with that either.  I don’t dislike learning new things, I just hate the structure of school…it’s just not my thing.  I think I could be happy doing a lot of things and nothing all at the same time.  I’m not sure I was “made” to do one specific thing, but what does that mean?!  I have to have a job…a career…but what?  I wish I knew…

Well…since its 3am, my computer is about to die, and I’m about out of things to say I will leave you all with one last quote, one my roommate recently told me is the epitome of me… “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”

Until next time…